I don't know.

I really don't.

It's a chance I'm willing to take, though.

Not sure if you are...

And even as I'm sitting here waiting for your reply, I feel... tentative. Almost afraid.

But I want to know. I really do.

I think you must be feeling like that as well.

And maybe it's selfish of me, but I really want to know.

I don't want to be selfish, though, so if you don't want to, then please don't force yourself to.

I know it must be so much harder for you than it is for me. Since you have to say it out.

And... honestly? If it's too much for you to take, and if you're suffering agonies over it, and if your studies are going to be affected, then I'd rather you not.

Really.

***

Much of my life is really, really like a TV show of sorts. Or even a movie. I think only Kel knows the full extent of it.

All the romances I've had - they are all so... unreal.

Perhaps God allows me to have them because He knows I'd like that sort of thing.

Unreal, fantastical romance.

Storybook romance.

Fairytale ending?

That's one thing I'm unsure of as of now.

***

And I know we're both treading real thin.

But like I said, it's up to you. Honest. It's in your hands now.

Blue rose.

And so ends Rapture. And, with it, Dance.

For now. In JC.

But I do wish to dance again. That's for sure.

I belong on the stage. I know I do.

Everytime I go on the stage, I always know I want to be there for the rest of my life. Doing whatever it is.

But apart from Rapture, which was great, according to everyone I've spoken to, I've learnt a lot about God as well.

And how lonely He would feel sometimes.

If He created the world, and only a small, small percentage of people would worship wholeheartedly -that is, not worshipping then sinning wilfully the next second -, then He must really, really be heart-broken.

And doing Agape [the name of the dance I choreographed] taught me that. That God will keep finding for us even when we don't want Him, even when we are angry with Him for whatever reasons, even when we just don't care. He doesn't deserve that, but yet we still treat Him as such.

And I know for one I've really fallen far from Him.

And I want to get back with Him.

Climbing back up.

Thank You, Lord, Hallelujah
You've been so good to me
Thank You, Lord, Hallelujah
I'm grateful for my blessings

I'm grateful for my struggles
Trials and tribulations I've been through
I've realized no one can love like You do

Back to school, back to life.

Back to studies.

Back to love? You decide, little smile. I'm flirting with fire, but I don't care.

7 AND A HALF MORE HOURS TO RAPTURE!!!!!!

SO. CAN'T. WAIT.

But yet I don't want it to end.

Gosh.

Ah, but once this is over... NOTHING will stop me from going full-steam here on.

Except... ARGH.

I think my puberty's a bit late in coming. Everyone's hot all of a sudden, and everyone's appealing. I still have my pickiness, though - but more people just look better. Both guys and girls. I don't think there's anything wrong with finding people good-looking, cos it's just aesthetic appreciation. It's not like I lust or anything. I'm still innocent. Kinda. Heh.

But apart from all these distractions [and that one thing, oh little smile;)], I will darn well go full steam for A's. I will work like I've never worked before.

Oh yeah.

But for now.

RAPTURE!!!

And I really, really hope I get to see you there and know it's you? It would really make my night, if you must know. ;)

TOMORROW'S RAPTURE!!! WHAT AM I DOING ONLINE???

Okay, so it's Rapture tomorrow technically.

Cos it's 12.46 a.m. So it's technically Tuesday.

Heh.

So full-dress at the Esplanade's in a few hours.

Exciting!

I'm glad all that rubbish got cleared up.

Not completely all... But at least it's fine now.

Rapture's in 2 days... Really fast, actually. Really, really fast.

I can't wait!

Gosh.

So cool!

Ah.

This whole ordeal - of being in Dance and all since last year - has really changed me in so many ways. I think? Yeah, definitely. This year the more, of course, but still. I do love dance - to dance, whatever, but my parents wouldn't allow? Heh.

Still, we'll see. We'll always see.

So I'm really, really tired now, and I don't know why I'm still being on?

I think there's something I want to blog about but I'm not remembering cos I'm so tired.

So I'm just being really random until it hits me.

But apparently it's not.

So should I go off now?

Hm.

I realized something about myself today. I think girls are my one weakness in my otherwise hardened self. Cos I can't exactly be harsh to girls. I can't remain angry at girls, I can't feel any strong emotions toward girls for long. Girls always cause me to be the one to make the first move, and all that.

Maybe it's my notion of old-fashioned chivalry or whatever, but I think girls can really affect me. Guys can't, obviously - guys can be treated in any way [Tch.] but girls - always have to be careful around them. Be gentlemanly... Etc.

[Please don't kill me, because this is not a chauvinistic post or anything. It's just that I do seem to have a soft spot for girls? More vulnerable? Hm. Maybe.]

But one of the reasons I can't stand girls is their constant changes of mood. Which leaves me hanging. It might be okay at the start - but do it for two whole years, and I'll get tired. Hint. Hint. Hint. Yeah.

"The elf-fairy awoke once again and sprinkled her magic with such ease, he was overwhelmed by the enormity of it all."

So this is unfair?

Okay.

So let's exclude the selection session in which I sat there quietly without fighting while you grabbed the best without a care. Let's ignore the many days of holidays that chanced on my days that caused them to be annulled, in which I didn't make up for. Let's completely disregard that day where he was doing YOURS, at the expense of mine.

Yup, let's just screw all that, because apparently, "it isn't fair that he spent so much time on yours".

Now let me ask you a question.

What did I do?

What precise action did I take that caused this situation to happen to you?

Uh. Nothing, I gather.

Yeah.

And those lousy attitudes you ALL were shooting at me for the longest time ever without any cause or reason?

Yup.

Like I said, I am really, really getting sick and tired of people who just bitch, gossip and do rubbish and seriously not bother to clarify or anything like that, but just go on and do stuff that they want to do. Which they do not bloody realize would cause them to have implications on other people.

Just - whatever, alright? I have way too much on my mind to deal with stupidity like that.

He stood there in the middle of the road, wondering, as the vehicles flew past him in a burst of air that ate up more of the atmosphere. People shoved past him to attain their destination, without a care in the world. He was alone.

Not that he minded - it was kind of peaceful, in fact. But suddenly, the faces of the people turned ugly. Everywhere he looked, he could see nothing but grotesque, twisted parodies of beauty. And it sickened him to his core. He wanted beauty. Pure beauty. The highest form of beauty that could be attained. That one Absolute Beauty.

"Come with me," came the delighted whisper. Looking up at the hazy sky, he could see no one. Was it a hallucination? It couldn't be - for that voice had tugged at the very depths of his soul. Who was she?

He closed his eyes and blocked out the chaos of his surroundings, and step by step, stumble by stumble, he followed the pleadings of his soul. He moved, not knowing where he was going, and unsure of what he was doing, but it was better than that mere existence he'd been having anyway.

So he moved. Slowly at first, with baby-steps, then with stronger steps and longer strides, and before he knew it, he'd cleared his run and was leaping with joyous abandon. He felt a strong, pure light hit his face - and opened his eyes instinctively. A glorious sight greeted him, as his eyes gleaned the beauty of what lay before him. He wanted to get to it!

And so he ran faster than before, the voice tugging, pulling, pleading, while his soul responded with jubilant tremours. He cleared hills, mountains, the sun shining in his face all the while, and the wind resistance drenching him with such pleasure. Even the occasional rains did nought but lift his spirits.

And he ran on thus, on to that place, on to the light, the voice tugging, toward his goal.

Absolute Beauty.

There isn't anything wrong with liking Broadway/musicals, jazz, or even classical music.

It's just that it's so rare finding people who actually like these things.

Listening to "The Lady Is A Tramp" now by Frank Sinatra, I can discern a difference between jazz now and jazz then.

Jazz then has this "olden" quality to it... That hits me whenever I hear a song like that, or hear the rumbling notes of the double-bass play its familiar jazzy chords... Whenever the brassy sounds of the trumpets and trombones blast out those notes... The quick, swift piano with the chords perfectly in sync with the double-bass - or not, even. The whole works. It throws me back into this era which I've never experienced before, but wished I'd experienced before... It's so... I don't know, it's really - je ne sais quoi!

I don't know if I'm making sense here to anyone, but I think true music gets you like that. That feeling is as though you want to pull back to that kind of era... Men wearing hats, and suits, along the roads... Like a black-and-white movie. Sometimes, I really, really wish I were born in that era. With the greatest of those jazz singers. Maybe even singing with them. That'd be awesome, actually.

People [i.e. my sister] have accused me of 'acting sophisticated' - but I don't. Not really. Jazz from the past can really transport you back in time, and it's just so - almost nostalgic, actually. The songs get me somehow! Why, I don't know! I wish I could place a finger on what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling like that, but I just can't! I don't know why I enjoy it so much, almost long for those days!

Is it Old Hollywood?

Maybe, but I just - argh! I hate it when I can't come up with anything after analyzing myself.

Classical music gets me that way too, but jazz really gets me like no other genre... Okay, Brodaway does somewhat too, but... Gosh, I don't know.

Just an interesting viewpoint from yours truly.

My feet are looking really gross now.

Blisters here... Open wounds there... Red, angry scars with black dirt everywhere. They're sick.

Heh.

But I am really enjoying dance now.

I can't wait for Rapture, yet I don't want Rapture to come since I don't think we're very prepared, and besides once Rapture comes it'll be over, so I'm having mixed feelings over this whole deal.

Yeah.

But... I do have to get back to studying, honestly. I do want my grades, afterall. My good grades.

Gosh, I still have dance at 8 tomorrow... It'll be fun, though. Not so stressful. HA.

Ah, shucks.

OH ANONYMOUS TAGGER, WHO ARE YOU?

Okay...

This is... random high-nesss. [Sounds like royalty.] Kinda reminds me of when I first started this blog. It was so random and happy and fun. Look at you now, Mat. Look at you now (shakes head, tsk-ing).

Okay, I really have nothing else to blog about - it's either that, or all that I wanted to blog about I can't bring to the surface of my mind currently cos I'm in such a fagged mood.

FYI, 'fagged' does not mean that I'm gay - it just means that I'm really tired. It was used in Austen's era, so it's a legitimate word entitling the user to claim tiredness and not homosexuality!

Ah.

This is really rubbish now.

Haha.

I really should go and sleep.

So... bye?

"If you've got nothing to say, just say that. Then you WILL have something to say."

I am so witty, I kill myself sometimes.

INSANITY!

Dance is really getting insane.

But know what? I'm totally having fun!

Yeah, and the last item we're doing? AWESOME. You all just HAVE to be there to watch it!!!

Joyful, joyful Lord, we adore Thee
God of glory, Lord of love

It's so amazing, and how things have been working out - I really, really, REALLY have to thank God for it all!

Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee
Hail Thee as the Son above

Last night, as I was staring at my screen as all the messages I'd accumulated since I got my phone disappeared into nothingness [which prompted me to wonder about memory and experiences, and how if an experience isn't remembered whether it would matter if it ever happened], I felt... liberated. And free? And free:)]

Melt the clouds of sin, sin and sadness
Drive the dark of doubt away (Drives it a-way!)

And I know that somehow, I'm going to make it through this year. I'm going to perform my BEST ever for Rapture, and [much as I hate to use Singapore colloquialism] own the A Levels. And I know I'd be able to do it with God's help. With Him behind me, with His Spirit guiding me.

Giver of immortal gladness
Fill us, fill us with the light of day!

Awesome? Totally.

If I could work as hard at school as I'm doing for Dance? The A Levels would be nothing. I, however, still have to get off my procrastinating ass and get my work done. GOSH.

Tomorrow's full dress, and it's going to be so awesome! Shopping with Fie and Nehahaha was fun as well, but we SO have to do it again cos that time was really just too short! And I really hated having to miss the movie:( Next time, I hope!

I thought Council term was over... Haha, but Aruna, at least it's fun, eh? ;)

And yep. I've got tons of stuff to do... So cyao! [That's my combination of ciao and cya. So creative, I know:)]

"Emoticons are so overrated."

Ironic much? :P

Before I went to sleep last night, I was reading something and chanced upon some words that gave me so many mixed feelings, I didn't know what to say. So I laughed, then I got pissed off, then it was all "You know what? Whatever."

Dance today was exhausting. As usual. I dunno, but I think I'm being too childish or something. Behaving as I did. Gosh. There was no call for that, really.

Something just happened which gave me pause. I'm wondering how long it has been already. It quite shocked me, yet - I don't know.

Perhaps it's the hardness, or perhaps it's the selfishness, or maybe - just maybe - it was the prayer. But there it was. Or rather, an absence of it. And I was honestly surprised.

Maybe I am ready.

But I don't know.

***

I've been thinking, lately. How I would have been if I'd been born rich. Like, really rich. Like, if my parents were in the upper-crust of society or something like that.

I think I'd be even more unbearable than I already am.

But I came to the conclusion that God would not put us in any position that we would no longer need Him.

Yeah.

I think I'm getting really, really tired now.

Dance practice ended late again... Gosh.

AND I have Dance tomorrow again, AND Saturday and - oh, and guess this! - SUNDAY. IMAGINE, HAVING A SUNDAY PRACTICE. I don't even think Band was that bad.

Ah well.

Rapture's in a week.

So...

PUSH ON, MAT!

Stay positive. Think positive ;)

(Then again, if I really am like that, why do I still behave in a manner as such?)

"Real, excellent wittiness does NOT repeat itself."

So Hendon was... tiring. Kinda, I guess?

Okay, so it wasn't. It was just the accumulation of dance practice as well, having steps shoved in my face all of a sudden.

And I guessed right, but I wasn't surprised, so yeah.

Anyway.

I'm feeling so drained now.

Like, awfully tired.

There are things that make it better though! :D:D:D:D:D HAHA.

Yeah.

So um.

Incoherence is a definite sign I should stop?

So...

Yeah.

"Alright, alright. I'll take life with a pinch of salt... and fling it in the face of anyone who pisses me off."

And so he thought...

As he emerged from the wings, his solo calling, he faced his Audience and danced. He danced whatever he wished, and whatever the Audience pleased. Sometimes these two aspects were in conflict, but other times they were in perfect harmony, and so he continued dancing, always aligning himself toward his Audience.

A break in the song. A different song playing, he had to improvise as he went, unsure of what to do, but having still to keep in time, to keep in rhythm with the music. It was a genre he had never heard before, but still he danced, sometimes with much confidence, but other times with much fear. Whatever it was, the music went on, the show went on, and he went on. He was not as concentrated on his Audience as much now, though - the sudden improvisation had caused him to focus more on his movements than on his Audience, but still he tried to keep everything together: the music, the timing, the feel, his emotions, and to look at his Audience.

A pas de deux! That he did not know was in the programme! "Play by ear," he told himself as he continued his supposed solo, doing his best to move with the new music. He was slowly adjusting to it, when suddenly, half of the pas de deux came up and interrupted his dance. No, wait - the other dancer was moving with him! Surprised, he attempted to continue his own dance, but realized that the other dancer was matching him, move for move, step for step, turn for turn. They came together and apart, in perfect harmony and in perfect sync, each somehow knowing what the other would do. However - something was different. He wasn't sure what; all he knew was that he was caught up in the magic of the music, moving, pushing, turning, his arms and legs co-ordinating in bursts of heavenly bliss.

But wait - the difference was somehow nagging at him. He looked down at his clothes - and realized that it was different from the one he had worn at the start. He could not recall a costume change - had there been one? He did not know. All he knew was that he was starting to tire. What was happening? He had never felt so exhausted before. Still, he continued; but the pas de deux was starting to become rough, as the other half of the original pair returned to claim the lost dancer. The pas de deux moved in and out, over and under, back and forth, until he found himself dancing his solo again. The music had gently wafted back to his original tune - but he found he could not dance as perfectly as before. The improvisations had broken his lines; he could not really remember his steps, and he improvised further to match the old music.

His Audience, he realized, was still sitting there - he'd forgotten! And so he tried to dance toward his Audience, with his new steps, trying desperately to evoke some pleasure in his Audience, but the stage lights had dimmed and he could barely see his Audience face to know if what he was doing was correct. But still, he had to dance and so he did, for his solo still wasn't over.

Then suddenly - another solo dancer? He was not sure, and so he attempted to match the other soloist's dance, but what he did not know was that that solo was the part of yet another pas de deux - and thankfully, he could quickly recall the dance steps he had abandoned. There was still a feeling he could not shake off, though - and then he remembered. His Audience! He looked out but could only see his Audience going dimmer and dimmer. Unsure of himself now, he contemplated. In all their rehearsals, he always had partners. Different ones, but with the same set of moves. Now, however, he questioned if the rehearsals he attended had been the right ones. No one had mentioned any change of music - or change of clothes for that matter - and he'd forgotten his Audience so many times now. He didn't know what to do, but still he danced. And danced. And danced...

... to his shadow.

***

So I'm going to Hendon tomorrow - wonder how that'd be like. Wonder who'd remember. But yeah. It's been a long day, so au revoir, dear readers.

As I was walking home today, reflecting on my life, I came to a realization.

It wasn't that I lacked any of it... No, that was actually sufficient, I guess. It was just the feeling of knowing - the security - of being one out of so many. That feeling was the one I wanted.

As I always have, since I was really young.

Prodigy.

And now, at this age, since I'm apparently not that, then I want something else - and I guess in some ways I feel that that can only be satisfied by attaining that.

Of course, now that I've fully analyzed that [as of now], I don't feel a desperate need to rush into it, to affirm myself or anything.

I know I'd be able to take it slowly...

***

On the other hand, I HAVE DANCE AT 7.30 TOMORROW. And I end at 3.30. So that's, like, 4 hours to kill. I know what I shall do, though ;)

Mm.

I'm really tired now, so I guess I'll be off.

"I'd rather deal with hard emotions than with soft emotions. It's easier, ironically."

I'm getting tired.

Not annoyed, irritated, or anything like that... Just tired.

Of people throwing out assumptions about me like that.

People don't bother to check? They just take what they assume, what they read, what they think is the truth, and it settles in just like that. And honestly, I'm really, really tired of that.

I mean, it's not surprising - from this angle - if I develop a love-me-or-hate-me attitude, right? If you're going to get affected by every single thing that someone thinks of you, you'll die before you even hit your prime.

I'm guilty of that as well, of course, but at least I check myself and try not to do that. People who do it without even being aware of it... I dunno.

I'm not angry. Just... I really don't know. I guess I'm just so immune to that kind of rubbish from experiencing it so much, I've just learnt to let it just pass me by. Cos seriously, it's just not worth it to expend time and energy on that.

If people don't even bother to confirm what's happening, but make up stories that exist only in their heads, and get angry or annoyed or irritated with me or whatever as a result, then that's their problem. I have no right to what people think, so I just won't do anything about it.

Capiche?

Thanks.

"You thought I was dumb / But I think that some-/ body's judgement was poor..."

So I just reached home.

From... When I left my house on Friday for school.

BELIEVE IT.

I've only slept a grand total of 3 hours.

Surprisingly, though, I don't feel tired.

And it's not even caffeine!

It's God. I know it is.

And I praise Him and I thank Him for that.

Well, I'm clearly in a better mood!

I talked with God... Long time since that happened. And sorted out lots of rubbish that was going on in my life.

Furthermore, Friday was just fantastic. But no, I'm not particularly going to say why here. Just know it was... shall we say enchanting? THEN again it could all be in my mind... I'm not sure. BUT. Possibilities, possibilities!

No time for relationships, though. But at least I'd smile ;P

Walking along the beach with the wind blowing in your hair listening to jazz music is just so great.

My throat is really, really gone now. I sound HORRIBLE. Actually, I sound sexy. It's that husky. It's like my broken voice is breaking even more. Heh.

Oh, and I've been listening lots to this song, and it's really awesome. My favourite part [apart from the tune, which are just so... je ne sais quois?] are the lyrics that go, "I'm loving my name up on that list / Kind of a cool ironic twist". It's just so cool! And I WOULD know. :P

"She collapsed to the floor, her lungs desperately reaching out again and again for more air, the elf-fairy fighting for her love, having just won her dance of victory."

Lit(t)er-a-cher

Just accept it
Just accept it
Just fucking shut up and accept it
We know better than you
Your "opinions" just don't matter
Our knowledge is the TRUTH
So just shut your mindless chatter

***

Klaudine

I kannot take this anymore
Your lessons are all such a bore
The students sleep
Your talk is cheap
I want to smash you on the floor

"Oh-k!" you kry
Spit in your eye!
You kommand no respect
Not surprising, please reflect

Ironic, ain't it? How you stifle
Kreativity - And still you waffle
Twenty long years - I scorn at that dirt
Such a long time, incompetency undetected
Whatever, heck
You're white, not black
So stop trying to be what you're not
It fucking annoys so stop that rot
I hope you're glad you've finally something that resembles that blot

***

Just accept it
Just accept it
Just bloody fucking accept it
You're stupid and you're dumb
We know much more than you
So zip that big fat mouth of yours
We'll talk and you accrue

***

Lady Katherine

It's quite ironic
When you teach
You just don't follow
Whatever you preach

You yell and shout
Think that'll get you somewhere?
You misunderstand
Now no one would care

You love condemning
It's clear in your tone
Especially condescending
I thought you would have grown

So many books you've read
So many you've analyzed
But what's the point of all of that
If you don't actualize?

Realize, I beg
The way you're treating people
Or you'll be the old hag
Spinstering every wrinkle

***

You know what?
I won't
I will not just accept it
If you both think you're so all that
Then let me ask you why
I don't care if it's been twenty years
Or ten-and-thirty-five
You shout with glee at 58
When others have gotten more
You smirk and condescend because
You've beaten your own score
Open up your eyes! That's just not all
It cannot be our fault
The quality of all your teachings
Must be the the only vault

- End -

Of course, when I come home, dear Dad and Mum, I want to be treated with the greatest sarcasm. When I come home tired, annoyed, and about to blow my brains out, I really enjoy hearing the both of you express your love through your ironic words. Don't worry, whether Hendon accepts me or not, I should be out of your sight in less than a year. Hope you'll enjoy life then. Without me.

Division

One of three chosen
Half of the good
One third of heaven
Must feed on some food

Perhaps it's not
Perhaps I'm short-
Out out of my mind
Maybe I'm blind
Analyze,
Analyze,
Analyze...

Third of the start
Glaringly silent
One half of the part
- But still not forgotten

Perhaps it's not
Perhaps I'm short-
Out out of my mind
Maybe I'm blind
Analyze,
Analyze,
Analyze...

One out of twelve
A third of the whole
Which fraction can delve
And fill up the hole?

Perhaps it's not
Perhaps I'm short-
Out out of my mind
Maybe I'm blind
Analyze,
Analyze,
Analyze...

Klaud, if you piss me off tomorrow, your poem is coming on here. Thanks.

I've seen you around school... But somehow you jumped out today.

What is wrong with me? I have no idea what I'm doing now. I seem to have no more control over my life. All the control I used to have seems to just have dissisipated.

I'm not sure why. But you suddenly seemed different.

Oh, mean-spirited me! Could I be any more of a hypocrite??? I hate this, I detest it, I want out so bad. This is fucking annoying!

I wondered if I seemed any different to you. I couldn't tell...

I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. Everything old seems to be going, and though I find some solace in the new, I know it's not what I want.

Maybe? But that look...

I'm getting off. Real bad. It seems I've lost my track, lost my focus, lost my way. And I don't know how to get it back. If I'll ever get it back.

Or perhaps I'm reading too much?

I gained some sense somewhat today. But that was academic. Temporal. I'm longing for some bloody sense to get kicked into me. Something spiritual. More permanent.

Or maybe I'm not.

I really hate this state of limbo I'm in. Neither here nor there. Oh God... Someone... Help me...

I'd prefer to think I'm not...

I need something... Someone... You?

But who knows, anyway.

Lord, I am so fucked up right now... So bloodied all over. And I am at odds of what to do. And I feel I can't do anything by myself... So help me, Father... Before I lose all strength to get up again...

I'll see when I see you again, though ;)

"And so," he read, "after encountering the conundrum that was his enigmatic significant other, he ended up in a curiouser state than before." He paused and looked up to take a breath, and saw his teacher staring at him.

"Curiouser?" she demanded. "Pray, tell, which ignorant person did you hear that from? Or was it some ingenuity - or so you thought - on your part that prompted you to insult my intelligence?"

He stifled a giggle, but could not keep his voice from sounding out of the ordinary. "Lewis Carroll? Alice in Wonderland?"

Her stunned expression he would remember years after, even as she opened her mouth and closed it again and again in an attempt to recover her disgraced self in the eyes of her students. "Well," she warbled out, finally. "You cannot believe everything in those books, because that is for the sake of humour, and is not proper English."

That remark smacked him in the face as he retaliated, "Then what is proper English? How do you know what proper English is?"

"Do you want to be demoted back the first grade?" she exclaimed. "Elementary question, indeed! You gain a perfect use of English by - " and here she trailed off as she realized the trap she had placed herself in.

"By what?" came the insistent reply.

"Reading widely." The answer was so quiet that if one had breathed, one would have missed it. The atmosphere, however, was so intensely subdued as the whole class held their breaths in anticipation of the answer that would contradict and place her in a highly unflattering position.

He smiled slightly, but not too much, knowing that if he got cocky, he would end up like her. And that was a place he had no intention of being in.

"Furthermore," he continued relentlessly, "from where do you derive the workings and mechanics of the English Language? Are they not from books that tell you where the nouns, verbs and such go to? Why then do we not question them? Are you saying then that the majority is the truth? But that would be a fallacy in itself, wouldn't it?"

She looked clearly stupefied, and stayed silent for quite a lengthy period of time, as he shuffled his feet and looked down, unassumingly awaiting her answer. After what seemed like eons - and perhaps it was - her voice, devoid of strength, rang out, "Infinite regress is a highly undesirable - "

"So now you're arguing from an appeal to consequence?"

It was as though a wave rippled through the whole class, as they sat, stunned. The teacher trembled, and then suddenly, she saw the way out of the predicament. She raised a quavering hand at him, and said the words that would save her - for it was clear the bell would not.

"You," she whispered. "Principal's office. Now."

And he exited in truimph.

Y'know, it would mean ever so much if everyone could just shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

Gracias.

And as I walked home, I couldn't take it.

I had to let it out one way or another.

And so my eyes slowly dregged up the tears from the reservoir of my spirit which I had sought and determined to be dry, while my soul sighed over and over again in agony.

I was closing up again and I didn't even know.

I thought I had opened up again, after that revelation, but I found out I'd unwittingly closed up again.

I found myself changing over the course of school reopening 'til now, and most everyone could see it. My language became a lot more colourful, even though I stopped doing that years ago. I clammed up emotionally - not physically, for I still spoke to people and could interact and stuff, but I think I shut out all negative emotions possible.

And I found out that if you shut out negative emotions only, you become downright cynical. And that I was. I didn't care about anything, or anyone, I just didn't give a damn about anything that I didn't like.

Furthermore, today wasn't exactly the best day. And after dance, I really couldn't stand it. I found there and then that denying myself love from people was denying myself love from God - because God loves through people. And that's when the hugs I got from Zong Wei, Kai, Chin Meng (who gave me one of the best hugs of my life), Khiu and Amanda suddenly opened me up to God. And I felt God like I haven't felt Him in the longest time.

And as I walked home, the words of a relatively old song came to my head:

Standing tall in this wide space
Getting lost in Your embrace
I see a fire burning brighter
It's calling me to catch the flame

I feel like I'm falling
Over and over in love with You
It's not just a feeling
For I know that it is real

I feel like I'm falling
Into the arms of the mighty God
It's not just a feeling
For I know that He is real

And I know I'll be alright.

So here I am, blogging at 4.27 a.m. in the morning.

Cos I decided I was too tired last night, and I slept at 9 p.m., and so woke up early to finish some stuff I have to do today.

Anyway. Yesterday was our Stepping-Down Ceremony. Which ended my Council term.

I don't know if it was of the hardness of my heart or whatever, but I didn't cry. And I wasn't even trying to hold back.

I really don't know, but perhaps I was trying to distance myself emotionally already - I tried checking myself as I was walking home, but I couldn't come up with an answer. It's the first time I've digged into myself and come up with nothing.

Perhaps I'm really losing it.

I mean, I really had fun during Council, and there were a lot of emotions involved, throughout my term. Doing the Dance and the Awards for Teacher's Day [who can forget the Doomacali! (?) explosion?]; being Tribal Head of Siersha [with our tongue-twisting Arts Fac cheer: Siersha see you so vacuous/ Looking like you so pretentious/ Cos we've got a so-delicious/ So-victorious shine/ Siersha think you asinine/ We disregard your pi so fine/ Your 3.14159/ Break it down! Shabooya! Sha-sha-shabooya, roll call!] with all the mad rapping and screaming sessions with the other Tribal Heads [Jue Ying (Achomawi), ZhiYang (Iroquois), Jerico (Nahane) and Vivian (Tienno)], and even the discussing of the themes of our Identity with the rest of the Siersha Tribe; Planning Friendship Week with all the mad-cap ideas coming in ["let's sell the balloons as much as possible so we can pay for the movie screening which costs about $1200!]; Even thinking of sadistic ideas to torture the J1s in our Selection Camp meetings [not to mention touching Vivian's shoulder as Mr Chua told us his mathematically-inclined ghost story to make her scream], thinking about Screamscape and things like that.

I mean, there are so many more memories in my head; do I miss them?

Perhaps I resent Council a bit for giving something and taking it away so quickly, that I shut myself off from it. And as of now, I think that's as far as I can go in examining my intentions and past motives. I would come face-to-face with it in the future - and maybe that's when I'll feel the regret.

But above all, I know I did my best for Council, and I am glad to be part of the 30th Student Council in SAJC.

Our Father by whose servants
Our school was built of old
Whose hand has crowned Thy children
With blessings manifold
For Thy unfailing mercies
Far strewn along our way
With all who passed before us
We praise Thy name today

They reaped not where they laboured
We reap what they have sown
Our harvest may be garnered
By ages yet unknown
The days of old have dowered us
With gifts beyond all praise
Our Father make us faithful
To serve the coming days

Before us and beside us
Still holden by Thy hand
A cloud of unseen witness
Our elder comrades stand
One family unbroken
We join with one acclaim
One heart, one voice uplifting
To glorify Thy Name

I want out of this.

Honestly.

I am so sick of it. Sick of it all. I just don't want it anymore.

I think the worst thing about having a mind that's so aware is that after awhile, it kinda escapes you that you're living in the real world, and when you try to communicate with your mind and do things like that, it falls apart really quickly.

And I really want out. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't want to have to deal with this anymore. It's really not necessary, unless God is really using this to mould me. But I've really, really had enough. Of myself.

I don't see myself anymore. I just see something resembling a person - but is more or less not. I don't even know what to do, where to start - and just no one. I feel like I have no one.

Of course, I could go all angsty and go, "Well, I've been like that for so long, I oughta have been used to it." But I won't. Because I know it's not God wants. And what I want is so differing from what God wants for me.

Change my heart, oh God
Make it ever true
Change my heart, oh God
May I be like You

You are the Potter
I am the clay
Mould me and make me
This is what I pray

***

REJOICE!
IN THE LORD ALWAYS
AND AGAIN I SAY
AGAIN I SAY
REJOICE!
IN THE LORD ALWAYS
AND AGAIN I SAY
AGAIN I SAY
REJOICE!

COME BLESS THE LORD
COME BLESS THE LORD
DRAW NEAR TO WORSHIP CHRIST THE LORD
AND BLESS HIS NAME
HIS HOLY NAME
DECLARING HE IS GOOD

***

FOR THE LORD IS GOOD
AND HIS MERCIES ENDURE FOREVER!

SING, O BARREN!

SHOUT TO THE LORD WITH YOUR SOUL!

EXALT HIS NAME HIGH OVER EVERYTHING!

PRAISE HIS GLORIOUS NAME!

DECLARE HIS AWESOME POWER AND HIS MAGNIFICENCE!

BEHOLD HIS MAJESTY AND COME WORSHIP HIM!

***

Oh God...

Help.

It looks like you really hate me now. And I don't blame you. I'll always be here if you need me, though. God bless you.

Mmhmm, mmhmm.

I get it.

Totally get it.

You made me gain it, and guess what? Irony of ironies! You're making me lose it!

I just love that, don't you? Yeah...

Perfect timing, furthermore. Really. You really picked the best time ever to edify my mind with the most glorious words in the world. I couldn't thank you more.

Drip, drip, drip....

Not to mention the superb analysis of me, through messaging and through phone calls, and through this blog. It clearly shows you really, really understand what I'm all about and what I'm going through.

And I know I'm just really being what I said I wouldn't be, but guess what? I'm so different from what I used to be, that I don't care now! Really! I don't fucking care.

Drip-drip, drip-drip, drip-drip...

Oh yeah, I cannot forget the wonderful speech you endowed on me, cos it really made my bad day a real good one, especially when it was just starting to get worse, although how that could have happened really escapes me.

Ooh, ooh, not forgetting that special thing you said about me that made me feel all tingly inside and really caused me to be so very happy, and that really filled me with such love.

Mm. And I've never bent over as much as I have in my life over a person. A fucking person. Who's not even God. No one is indispensable.

Drip-drip-drip, drip-drip-drip, drip-drip-drip...

Yeah... I think the picture's getting clearer for everyone now. Such a joy for that! Awesomeness! With this great start to this week, I am so damn sure that this week will be excellent!

Yup. Oh, before I forget. I won't ever do what you told me to, yeah? Ever. And if you want to judge my perfect manners and behaviour based on this post, please. Join the club.

Uh-huh. And I'm just totally reaching where I want to be now.

And my mood now? Clearly, it's not too tough to see? I'm fucking rapturous!

Thank you, and please, have a good day. Or night. Or whatever.

One request before I go. Please. Hate me.

"Why don't you like me without making me try? Why don't you like me, Why don't you like me, why don't you walk out the door?"

Suckers smiling silently
Super-secret servantly
Snapping snobs so sadly sipping soup

Searing cisterns carefully
Sisters crying selfishly
Could some sense cook up all gum and goop?

Graceful, bumbling sympathy
Silent, shrill-drenched empathy
Controversy fuels; gossip fires

Gripping ambiguity
Dripping so perspectively
My heart rejoices; happily retires

Poems should be for fun. Fun to read, because the rhythm is catchy. To hear the sounds and pronounce it out. I think that's the joy of poetry.

Unlike those whatevers they make us do in class.

That poem was nonsense. Or not. You decide.

I've always wondered about soulmates.

If they exist or not.

Perhaps I've always wished they did... And wanted it such that I believed it.

I still do, though that part of me is starting to die down. Although I don't think it will ever die off completely, since a specific part that makes me me is the part that believes in "Happily Ever After".

I'm a Disney kid - the first Disney cartoon was shown on my birthday.
As a matter of fact, I'm a Calvin and Hobbes kid - the first comic strip was published on my birthday.

Explains a lot, I think.

But anyway. I asked my sister today if she believes in soul-mates, and she said not. I think my dad said the same thing. But I dunno. That kinda ruins a lot of things for me. Like how romance isn't special anymore. Because romance would be able to be for everyone, and not just that one person who was meant for you. And that really spoils the whole idea of love.

Or maybe I have the wrong ideas of love as propogated by Disney. Still, I would like a fairytale-ending to my life. Of course, the ending doesn't end with the marriage, but that kind of magic is so enchanting.

Or maybe I'm just idealistic.

On a lighter note, I've mastered the Art of Transfiguration! Not that I meant to, but it seems I have done it anyhow. So that's a big plus.

"Maturity is gained when self-actualization is realized."

How's THAT for H2 Lit Paper 5?