I'm kind of at peace with myself now.

With myself, with God... Wow, God. I don't think He's been mentioned here in quite some time.

It was as though God was really speaking to me yesterday. This part especially, from the book, "Reaching for the Invisible God", by Philip Yancey, just jumped out at me:

"I fought to gain control of my emotions so that they became my servants, not my master... ... The problems showed up years later when I began to realize the limits to a self-constructed personality. In most ways important to God, I had failed miserably. I was selfish, joyless, loveless, and lacked compassion. With the notable exception of self-control, I lacked all nine of the fruits of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5."

When I read that, I just broke down. It seemed that everything that I've ever been through culminated at this stage where, when it was tested, just flunked so badly, and I was back to square 1. Of finding God again. Even of trusting Him again.

Before that, I was quite in a state of self-imposed delirium. I went through the day being happy because I consciously blocked out everything that was not. But it was a cynical happiness, a cold, detached kind of joy which is either the poorest form of joy, or the direct converse to it.

I think I understand Mika's songs a lot more now. Some of them sound so happy, with everyone singing and the tune so upbeat - but take a look at the lyrics and the irony shows itself. I was in that kind of mood yesterday. Especially Grace Kelly. Now I know why it was such a big hit when it first came out. People identified.

[I wanna talk to you
The last time we talked, Mr Smith, you reduced me to tears
I promise you that won't happen again]

Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?

I gotta be wholesome
I could be loathsome
Guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?

I tried to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I tried a little Freddie
I've gone identity-mad! (Take THAT, H2 Lit Paper 5)

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

[Getting angry doesn't solve anything.]

How can I help ya
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on my brink

Why don't you like me
Why don't you like me
Why don't you like yourself?
Should I bend over?
Should I look older just to be put on your shelf?

Say what you want to satisfy yourself
Hey!
But you only want what everybody else says you should want you want

[Humphrey, we're leaving.]

Kaching!

So. Cynical. And even as I see those lyrics, I can feel that same sense of sardonism creeping back over me.

But I won't allow it to.

Somehow I'm stronger, and somehow I think I've grown to some extent. I can feel the strength of God around me, and I know I can do this.

Stepping down, Rapture, Prelims, A's.

Just bring it.

"And rain will make the flowers grow."

I am... lost.

I don't know myself anymore.

I'm so different from what I used to be... The change is scary.

My awareness is all there... But I feel so lackadaisical. To bother changing anything about it.

I feel like ripping the emotions of my mind and going through the rest of life like that.

I'm that tired.

Of life, of everything.

Ups-and-downs.

Oh, it'd be SO easy to just slam my defences shut and close up. No one would bother me, I wouldn't bother anyone. I'd live my life, and be done with it.

I know I shouldn't be feeling like this. I know I have the ability to change it.

But... I don't know.

I don't know anymore.

Perhaps I never knew.

It looks like I have to take the solo road once more. All by myself. I've taken it before, and it's largely becoming a part of my life. Not that I mind. In fact, the singularity of my person alone does provide some kind of comfort and solace. And I'm getting used to it. Liking it, in fact. Perhaps I really will live a life alone, but not lonely.

So it's about two more days to BT 2s. Or rather, one more day, excluding this night. How fast time seems to pass. A month. Of which so much has happened.

It seems like my focus is really all off again, and I have to really fix it back. This holiday has been good in giving me a break. But now, it's back to school, back to life, back to the exams.

5 more months, then I won't look back, if I study hard. Just 5 more months. I can and I will do it.

Reflection brings about revelations about life. Perhaps no human will ever be constant in life, just so God can show He's the only constant. But then, people get married. Which is why I'm thinking that maybe marriage isn't for me.

This separation would be good... It's already awoken me to the wilderness I'm in. The depth of dryness and the need for rain. Spiritual rain. I need this. But I'll miss you... Even now.

A very wise woman once said this, "Oh Lord, I don't love You, I don't even want to love You, but I want to want to love You!"

That's something I once said while doing my Quiet Time. Cos really, I think that loving God is really a hard thing to achieve, to do. Of course, in church, we always sing of how God's love is the greatest and about sacrificing what we have for Him... But when it comes down to tribulations and trials, and the point of which we have to prove to ourselves whether we really do love Him, we find that we merely pay lip-service. And furthermore, as though that were not enough, I don't desire to love God. But I know that I want to desire to love Him. And if I have that desire, and that desire is strong enough, then I'd do anything withing my power to love Him.

But now, there's just been so much focus on what I want, and nothing about God. I've forgotten to live everyday of my life for Him. Even in studying, I cannot remember that I'm studying to His glory, for His glory.

And I've found out that retreating too much into yourself brings this. A mindset that totally circulates on what I want and what I need, and placing that first and above anything, even what God wants for me. And that's self-centredness, my life being first and foremost before anything else.

Perhaps after the dust has settled, and everything has become clear once more, we'll find out that all our lives was a quest to seek God - whether we knew it or not.

Swing low
Sweet chariot
Coming for to carry me home

Cos I'm Home-sick.

For once, I couldn't find solace in sleep.

I did, however, find solace in God.

It's over, then?

I'll just have to be philosophical about it.

"Oh, I am FAGGED."

Literature rules the airwaves of my mind now...

No me ames... ...

Don't love me... ...

No me dejes
No me dejes
No me escuches, si te digo "No me ames"

No me dejes
No desarmes
Mi corazón con ese "No me ames"

No me ames,
Te lo ruego,
Mi amargura, dèjame

Sabes bien,
Que no puedo,
Que es inútil,
Que siempre te amaré

Don't leave me
Don't leave me
Dont listen to me if I say to you "Don't love me"

Don't leave me
Do not disable
My heart with that "Don't love me"

Don't love me
I'm begging you
Leave me with my bitterness

You know well
That I can't
That its useless
I will always love you

So now there's one road to travel. The road I have to.

One destination that's so important right now. All other things have to wait. Be put on hold.

I could go into a rant about the education system and how it really affects people's lives, but right now, I just won't.

Leaving everything else behind to wait, wait for the 21st of November 2008 when my final Lit Paper 5 will be over and done with, and I'll not have to study.

So I'll have to leave it 'til then.

I have to.

For the greater good.

Just push all the way now. 6 more months and all this will be over. 6 more months will pass like a snap. 6 more months and you'll leave everything behind you... JC life, Dance, Council, even the people... Everything. Push it. You know you can. You know you have the strength, you know you have the will, you know you have the ability. You can and you will.

But still...

"Te falto..."

I long...

For that someone to hug and hold close to my heart in a tight, lasting embrace that would have no end.

For that someone who would know my thoughts without me having to give a single hint about my emotions.

For that someone whom I can tell everything to and never have to hold back for fear of being judged, in any way possible.

For that someone whom I would cherish with everything I have, never restraining, but constantly giving and giving without fail.

For that someone who would not count the costs, but would give as much as is possible, as I would, such that the love flowing in between would be so wide, gushing with a force that is stronger than what Nature would ever come up with, spilling over our very frames and engulfing us in a burst of flame and passion, that would come from the very sincerity of our spirits and souls, unpretentious and wild.

For that someone who would help bring about the sanctity of a relationship so pure and holy which would expound to the world and beyond about the true meaning of love, the love that resembles our Father's, and not the cheap, dirt-side imitations of selfishness made to look beautiful by the hypocrisy of the mind and the heart that deceives both giver and taker.

To have someone in heart and mind, secure in the physical and metaphysical realms, without a trace of a doubt.

"Connections without words are the best kind to have."

I'm sorry.

I guess I am really in no position to feel like that.

After what I told you... It wouldn't be fair.

Not to you, anyway. And behaving like that is just plain immature.

And I really don't want to hold you back.

So yeah. It's all in your hands? And I won't expect anything anymore. Shouldn't have started, and I'm sorry.

So I won't.

Sometimes, I wish I had no emotions.

That would mean a LOT less trouble, wouldn't it?

I feel so conflicted now. Two things pulling me in two different directions. And my heart tells me one way but my mind tells me the other. And my body does not know which to follow. Or rather, wants to follow my heart but holds back because of my mind.

Oh, I am fagged emotionally because of life.

***

I find that I'm becoming more and more selfish. I find that I follow God now only when it's in line with what I want to do. When what I want to do clashes with what would please God, I pick what I want to do. It's a constant struggle, the battefield in my mind, and I don't even stop to consider the casualties that might result in it. I just 'do it first and regret later'. And as it goes along, there might be changes to my character that are not for the better.

***

I've learnt to not expect anything from anyone. To not take anything for granted. At all. I don't ever want to be in a relationship with someone where I take things for granted from the person and start expecting, because to me, if you don't expect, you just don't get disappointed. A lifetime [so far] of experiences has taught me that. Don't expect, and you don't get disappointed. If things do turn out well, then you'd get a bigger treat cos you didn't expect anything anyway.

I know this is a very cynical view of life now. But I guess it's just a defense-mechanism. To protect myself from emotions that threaten to sway me about and thrust me into another vortex of confusion, hurt, and self-pity. And I made a decision long ago to not let anyone have that kind of power over me.

I see I'm hardening up. Intellectually, emotionally. In so many ways. The accumulation of experiences for the past 17 [and a half] years of my life have led me to this. Perhaps I don't have to think like that. Perhaps there is another way around this. But as of now, this is the wall I've built around me, my mind, my heart.

Now, I don't dare to feel for people more than they feel for me. Cos I find that the different expectations of people in a relationship can lead to very horrible conflicts and hurt which is really not necessary. And with the A Levels coming up, emotions should not come into play at all. Studies first. Thank our current education system for nurturing us to think like that.

I need a break from emotions.

And, most probably, a longer one from school.

"I don't learn. I study."

AND YOU JUST LEFT LIKE THAT...!

Tch!

I was reading your blog, and then you're just suddenly offline. It's not my fault, it's your fault for writing such a long post.

[Of course, I'm totally kidding here.]

This past week has been real insane. Emotions flying around like mad, my mind in complete turmoil and confusion, and reality and fantasy blending into one phantasmagorical kaleidoscope of images, sensations, onomatopoeia...

And you DO seem like a dream sometimes. And I'd wonder if you're real or not.

Sometimes, I just wonder: what if the dreams that we dream each night are the real lives we're living, and everything that we're doing now is but a dream in that life that is real over there in what we perceive to be our dreams? Most of the things we dream about we don't even remember - but what if all this is just a dream? And all that we think are dreams is actually reality in its purest form?

No way to find out as of now, that's for certain. Just an interesting thought I had.

And now I have two more weeks to BT 2. And I don't think I know any more than when I first started on the holidays. And this holiday is turning out to be... quite unexpected. I think I'm changing as a person. I'm not sure.

But I'll continue towards You and towards Truth, Lord. I won't rationalize and I won't justify, but all the same I don't want to just take the conventional way out because it'll be easier to. I'll listen out for Your voice, Father - and I'll have faith.

Just 2 more weeks 'til we meet, world. And I am seriously not in ANY position to take any flak from you or your cronies. So buzz off and DON'T edge in on my holidays anymore than you have to.

Argh.

Didn't get much work done today.

Thank God there's only going to be 2 more days of Dance rehearsals before we break...

Then I can finally study.

***

I'm realizing that I can't stand school more and more.

Initially, I thought that this break from school would send me back to school with a fresher mind. Either I need a longer break, or a new school.

Hm. Time for me to turn into an anti-social moron who only cares about studying... If I haven't been behaving like that already.

***

On a brighter note, 16 MORE HOURS!!!

"And between now and then
'Til I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love, me"

That song has been in my head all day. I don't know why, but I hope you do see it before we meet:)

And I wish I had the ability to take away all your pain, but I don't. So I can only do my best, hoping that it's enough.

Two more weeks and a bit to BT 2.

I wonder if things will remain as they are...

For our sake, I hope they do.

Today was hard without you.

I'd look at my phone every time I had the chance, all the while knowing that there wasn't going to be anything.

I threw myself into the practice and tried my best to forget, but it somehow always came back to you.

I danced vigorously with my partners, but all that couldn't replace the emptiness created from that hug you gave.

I was stressed, and I thought of you, and I couldn't - wouldn't - talk to you.

Everything I thought of, everything I did, you were always at the back of my mind.

I couldn't bear to see anyone today except for those people I had to - because they just weren't you.

The song was so beautiful - and everytime I read it I felt like crying - and you know I don't cry.

I tried to focus more on God today, and I guess it helped to some extent.

I still miss you, though.

... And at the end of the day, when the place was finally quiet and I was alone, I wondered if you were thinking of me and missing me like I do you.

I hope we both find God in this - that God would be the centre of us at the end of the day.

"Tomorrow we'll discover what our God in Heaven has in store
One more dawn
One more day
One day more..."

God.

I'm so confused now.

My mind is in so much turmoil now, I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't even know if what I've been doing is wrong, I don't even know if what I've been feeling - both ways - is right, and - God. I really don't know.

I have no idea what to do. There's near no one to talk to, no one who would understand, no one at all.

What am I griping about anyway. I should've been used to that feeling long ago.

Now this deep sense of loss permeates my whole being and my heart's feeling heavy. I don't know where to go, don't know who to run to. And God - I dunno.

Sometimes I really wish Jesus would quickly come, so that we can all go to Heaven and none of this rubbish will be existent anymore.

Either that, or I go to Heaven soon anyway.

How? How?

Sacrifices.

It feels like a piece of my heart's going to be cut out.

I wonder, did Abraham feel like that? Or did he know all along that God would provide?

I guess he knew. He had faith, and it was 'accounted to him for righteousness'.

Thank You, Lord, for reminding me to trust in You. To trust, COMPLETELY, for everything.

At least there's peace now. Knowing God would take care of everything.

"World, I'll see you in 3 weeks. And if you piss me off, just watch out."