I miss you.

Come back soon.

So school's sucking big time now.

27 more weeks to the A Levels.

I'm not exactly confident I'd do well.

And Council's more or less toned down on the commitment-level aspect, BUT Dance is only just picking up.

Urgh.

And I don't really have time to study.

Gosh.

PRIORITIZE!

But school's really exhausting. Everyday I wait for the next day, and when the next day comes I wait for the next day until Friday's here, then I try to enjoy the weekend as much as possible, then it's Sunday and Monday'd be school, and I start waiting all over again.

The last time I properly went out was... AGES ago.

Honestly.

I need a break.

And school's not giving it.

It's these kinds of things that make you wonder about purposes and stuff. Like what Perdana said today, the purpose of the A Levels is not to test if you can study, it's to test if you can handle all the stress.

Judging from the actions of many people, they're failing quite badly with regard to that.

Seriously. So what if you get 4 A's for the A Levels, but the opportunity cost to that is emotional? Doesn't figure in the equation.

What's the point of doing so well but losing all that time with friends and such?

The focus on studying is getting too intense for some people. For me - I've gotta start. That I know, at least.

"If diamonds are a girl's best friend, what would the best friend for a boy be?"

Memory

Remembering is addictive.

Kinda came to that realization just a little while ago.

I was just scrolling through my inbox and sent items in my phone, and before I knew it, the train had gone from Tanah Merah all the way to Toa Payoh.

And I didn't even notice it go.

It was quite amazing, because every message that I opened, memories came flooding back. A certain experience, a scene, voices, and even emotions of pity, sympathy, anger, apathy - they all came back.

That's when I realized how powerful memory can be. How intoxicating, even. And I guess that's how people get to a stage where they can't move on. Because they're so caught up in what happened, that they forget to look to the now and even the future.

This has some kind of lesson behind it, I know. It's at the tip of my brain, even.

But I can't be bothered to find out what it is.

Then again.

Why should any human being be able to have so much power over my life?

Heh.

I'm giving it all to you once more, Lord.

Be myself.

"I am my own person. And I will not allow myself to feel something I don't want to feel."

Know what? I feel so much better already.

Came home in a really good mood, caught up some with Colin on the way back home, turned on the computer, read some stuff, then I fall back into my previous horrible mood which was there with me in the morning.

It's all very well and easy to say the things I did in the previous post. In practice, it's DEFINITELY much harder.

Especially when it seems like it doesn't count for anything. At all.

Maybe I should have, maybe I shouldn't have. But what it's done is just to make me feel just so much worse than before. Then again, that last picture was so poignant. Made me so sad. But maybe it wasn't true.

Or was it?

I really have no idea.

That some things just don't figure.

I really don't know.

Then again, I'll try. I know I'll try. Once this day is over, I'll try again.

I know God will keep up the never-ending supply of love that I require. That's for sure.

But for now:

Hey boys, hey girls
Hey anybody who will listen to me
In case you haven't noticed
It's just me aganist the world today

I fell out of the wrong side of the bed
And landed in the worst mood
With that stupid alarm clock screaming at me
From across the room

I'm trying to be nice
I'm trying to be reasonable
But it's oh so hard when I don't wanna be
If you're looking for that nice girl
From the day before
Don't bother, she don't live here anymore

Cause it's me against the world
(Oh what a stupid day)
Yeah, it's me against the world
(Just stay out of my way)
And in case you haven't noticed
And in case you haven't heard
It's just me against the world
And the world is winning

You should have let me stay in bed
I've got this pounding in my head
No, nothing's ok
Won't you stay out of my face today?
I'm slamming doors
I'm slamming phones down
Watch out for
This temper tantrum
Stay out of my way
Cause if you don't, you will be scared away

I shall go away for now.

To spend time with God.

Since there's no one else who can really comfort me.

Y'know, perhaps I'm not being clear about certain things.

I do say that there are many things which are not very permanent. Friendships, namely.

See, thing is, I acknowledge that. I guess, to me, acknowledging that is maturity. That you don't believe in some happy ever-after fairy-tale ending in which everyone is delirious with joy and there's no more pain and suffering [I take that to mean in this life. Heaven would be an entirely different matter.].

I acknowledge that - but that does not mean I treat anyone differently. Yes, I still hang out with people, and I still pursue friendships, and I still have people in my life whom I consider good friends. Just because something will not last forever does not mean you should do nothing about it. As of now, it exists. After that - who knows? No one would. I'm just reminding myself here that this might not last forever - not that it won't last forever. And even if it doesn't, so what? That friendship would have many things - things that you pick up, learn, even change, in a bid to improve yourself. Is that for nothing? Of course, one could argue that that's the practical side of it. Do memories then mean nothing? Does the absence of a person cause you to discount everything that the both of you have gone through together just because he/she isn't there anymore?

I remember a poem I once wrote in Sec 3. The last stanza went something like this:

'Out of side, out of mind'
Do those words make you blue?
Or 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'
Which do you think is true?

A bit childish, I guess - but the point is, the times that one spends with friends cannot merely be discarded as something insignificant just because the person/people cease to be there. It also does not make the emotions that go along with it - be it happiness, joy, or even sadness - any less just because the person isn't physically beside you. At this point of time in my life, I still can remember all the fun times I had with my Sec school friends - all the times spent together, whether it was to comfort or to rejoice over anything, just because we don't see each other does not mean that these feelings have somehow suddenly become reduced in some way.

Heh. Seems like everyone's contemplating friendships now. Again I feel the need to reiterate my questions on why friendships must be so mechancial. Kinda demeans the whole value of friendship, if you think value can be placed on a friendship.

Love is love. There's a reason why it's 'much love' and not 'many loves'; Love cannot be counted or measured. Then why calculate??? Why think that someone's not giving back enough, or as much as you? People love differently, in different ways. Just because the way someone loves is not the same as the way you love does not mean that person does not love you.

Love. Don't think God bothered to count the costs.

"Got any problem? Wiki it!"
"Does Wiki do counselling?"

36 hours without sleep.

That was quite... pushing my limits. I'm glad I did, though. Forced myself not to sleep by slapping myself and running laps.

It was over so quickly. Like one big day. Cos we didn't sleep. But it was still fun while it lasted.

Interviews were the best part, I think. Did so many things, but I'm not really in the mood to list them down, but they were fun.

Riding back to SA from ACS(I) with Kai was hilarious. I was there trying to stay awake, and we managed to find something - or rather, some THINGS - that kept us on the edge of our seats [quite literally] for the whole of the journey back. And we were still laughing about it after.

Now Selection Camp is over. Can't say I wouldn't miss it. There's just something about planning for events and events themselves that make them so memorable. There's just something; maybe it's just the company. But the one hour we had to ourselves was really, really comfortable. The atmosphere, the wind and all. And it was quite funny when Kai, Ryan and I were playing on the ropes, that after we were done we saw Wei Chiang and Em doing jumping jacks, while some others were doing exercises, and we realized that was how everyone was trying to stay awake. BUT Council's ending [although I don't want it to].

Dance and A's to go.

Stepping down is soon, too. Just a little more than two months, I should think.

Watching the Grad Night videoes that Jeriel made for last year's Grad Night made me think a lot. Brought back a lot of memories. Comparatively, J1 was so relaxing. I mean everyone's so stressed now, and I do think that it's starting to strain on a lot of relationships and friendships. People fight a lot more and get a lot more pissed at each other nowadays. Isn't all bad - if they do make up and get out of it, the friendship might become stronger. Or, it could make the whole situation so awkward that they just stop speaking to each other altogether.

And so life goes on, in JC. Though I wouldn't call it a life - just a plain existence, really.

"_____ reporting to Instructor Emerald; Roll call 1!" [sniggering everywhere]
"Is it very funny???"

And it's 12.34 a.m. in the morning according to my comupter clock.

Sitting here wondering what to do next... Not go to sleep - that's for sure.

12.35. Time is ticking.

I counted on Friday - I have exactly 213 days more until the A Levels. From Friday, that is. Since today's technically Monday, I have 209 more days 'til the A's. Egad.

209 days to the start of the A's, which is KI Paper 1. 209 days more to the start of freedom. 209 days more of school, more or less. 209 days more of my JC life.

Then I'll go to the army.

Then university.

Then I work.

Maybe Jesus'll come back by then. Who knows?

"Here I am, waiting for the bus to go to school. Just another 11 more years of these till I graduate, then I work until I die. What kind of life is this??? What about playing and discovering and having fun? Those are important too!" "What about Saturdays?" "That's when I watch TV."

Sickness has... mildened me somewhat. Makes me seem less harsh. Haha.

And I realized something today. I think I work better alone. Like, when I'm all alone and concentrated on my own things and just being me, I tend to produce results that are better.

Maybe I should start studying alone. Heh.

I have to say I like this new mood of mine. Or rather, I think I've regained that 'bubble of protection' I lost so many months ago. It's really cool and secure now, though.

It's been so good. I feel so protected. Spiritual high!

On a darker note [kinda ironic, isn't it], I wonder how many of the teachers that are currently teaching us now would score A's for the A Levels if they were to take the exam. I have to say not many. Seriously. Just a thought, that I've always wanted to put, though.

And I better get started on my Lit tutorial.

Today's been too long a day without sleep.

"Nothing like a virus to take the edge of a child, eh." "I'd still rather let his teacher deal with him, though."

Shout to the Lord

It’s a long time since I’ve written a post like that. Most of my posts have been so depressing. And it seems I’ve forgotten how to thank God for so many things in my life. Because really, I have so many things to thank God for. For one, I’m sick and yet I managed to do PE today as normally as possible, and still break personal records for some of the stations.

All the earth / Let us sing

I really thank God for being able to use me, period. It’s so amazing, really, what God is able to accomplish through me. Though I know I’m not like good at a lot of things. But it’s been really awesome seeing the way God has moulded me through the years to be who I am today. And I know I’m not perfect, and I definitely do make mistakes. But I still thank Him for allowing me to be able to reach out with His love and just touch other people’s lives.

Power and majesty / Praise to the King

Because He really is awesome. In so many things. I mean, it’s really inexpressible unless you experience it for yourself. To just feel the glory of God and His presence just saturate the atmosphere is just really, really, I dunno. ‘Wonderful’, ‘awesome’ and ‘amazing’ just doesn’t cut it.

Mountains bow down and the seas will roar / At the sound of Your Name

And it’s just really great seeing how obstacles and things like that are overcome through His help. Many things I never thought I’d do or see has happened to me, and so many things that have been stumbling or whatever can just be cleared away. Prayer works miracles, as I always like to say.

I sing for joy at the works of Your hands

Because just knowing that no matter what happens, God will always be there, and if He allows things to happen to you, He knows you can handle it, and that you’ll pull through. And it’s just so secure and safe in that knowledge that you are definitely in safe hands, come what may.

Forever I’ll love You / Forever I’ll stand / Nothing compares to the promise I have in You

Apparently this song, by Darlene Zschech, was written after she had a miscarriage. And it’s really amazing – I mean, there are so many things in life that we lament over and even sometimes blame God for. But this woman here who just lost a baby – a loved one – can actually still stand up and say that she’ll ‘sing for joy’ – for joy! – ‘at the work of Your hands’. Not only that, she has the courage to declare ‘Forever I’ll love You / Forever I’ll stand’ – just after something tragic – no, catastrophic – has happened to her!

And when I look at my life, so many things seem so mundane in comparison. And how many times have I personally – when I’m going through tough times – stood up and praised – yes, PRAISED – God through it all? My previous posts have all been so depressing. Yes, blogs are an outlet – but reading it makes me look like I have no reason to live, and every post is so cynical and jaded.

So I’m learning, even now. To say “Hallelujah!” when things are bad. To shout “Praise the Lord!” when I’m depressed. To sing “Forever I’ll love You / Forever I’ll stand” even when I’m trudging through the depths of valleys.

Sing, o barren! Shout to the Lord with a voice of triumph!