I never really realized the power of music.

My soul soars with the brasses, the winds, the ensemble!

Peace, now.

Okay, I'm just procrastinating really badly now.

GOSH.

Chip!

Come back!

Ah. There you are. Hopefully?

Shoo, akrasia, shoo!

Gosh, where'd my willpower go...

This was a BAD time to start on a new musical soundtrack.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

GET OFF THE COM, MAT.

Look, I'm getting all schizo again.

SHEESH.

Somehow.

But whatever kept him there was gone.

He teased the air around him, uncertain of it. There was a familiar sensation, something in the essence of a deja vu, and he wasn't quite sure of it. Still, there was a certain excitement he gathered from the depths of his soul. He knew not what it was, but it kept pushing him, whispering to him, telling him to go.

He did.

And the air around him hugged him tight, embracing his being, even as he gloried in the absent warmth it brought.

The earth fell away beneath him.

I'd like to think of myself as someone rational, but I still get bogged down by emotions. I'd like to think of myself as having a good balance between rationality and idealism - and maybe I do. But I think people should be able to tell the difference between the ideal and the real. There is a difference, and if one cannot distinguish, when the ideal doesn't materialize, you end up with disappointments.

But that's my ideal.

***

It dawned on me that this blog is going to go soon.

Cos I started this blog to chart my journey in St. Andrew's - and indeed, the journey has been [insert non-cliched words here].

But I'll be leaving this College soon, and though "Once a Saint, Always a Saint", I would really no longer be in the school itself.

So I will get a new blog.

But I won't tell anyone what it is - as was with the case with this blog, but people still found it anyway.

And find it only if you want to, and can be bothered to - there won't be any identification it is me, but if you know me well enough you'd know it was me.

A new blog means new experiences. Maybe even a new kind of writing.

But first I've got to get through College first.

And the A's - if you know what I mean.

***

On a more random note, I finished listening to the Wicked! soundtrack last night! Yay!

But I dunno, somehow I loved Spamalot more at when I finished listening to it?

But maybe it's because I've only heard it once through. I think I'll listen to it over and over until I get so sick of it.

On the other hand, I do have to study. So... I'll see. If I get bored of the songs in a few weeks time.

Or if it'll still remain a fresh novelty in my mind.

[I absolutely hate it when I write with double-meanings, cos it's so complex, even for myself.]

Dancing through life
Skimming the surface
Gliding where turf is smooth

Life's more painless
For the brainless
Why think too hard?
When it's so soothing

Dancing through life
No need to tough it
When you can sluff it off as I do

Nothing matters
But knowing nothing matters
It's just life
So keep dancing through

Dancing through life
Swaying and sweeping
And always keeping cool

Life is fraught-less
When you're thoughtless
Those who don't try
Never look foolish

Dancing through life
Mindless and careless
Make sure you're where less
Trouble is rife

Woes are fleeting
Blows are glancing
When you're dancing
Through life

Hm. Maybe this will be the new theme song of my life.

But I have to say 'One Short Day' is on par with Spamalot's 'Knights Of The Round Table / The Song That Goes Like This (Reprise)'. Grandiose, majestic sounds are what I love. OH yeah!

I would like to say I've had enough of musicals because I can't study with music on.

Hm.

But I can't say that.

Sometimes, I wish I didn't take Lit.

Wait.

No, I don't.

Figure me out.

Walking up the escalators to the Lee Kong Chian Reference library step by step gave me a familiar twinge.
Even as I missed you really badly.
It reminded me of so many things, and I realized the power of memory, and of my inclination towards sense perception.

The song 'Defying Gravity' has really been keeping me alive these days.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
If you leave, don't leave now / Please don't take my heart away / Promise me just one more night / Then we'll go our separate ways
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap
With hours left, time on our sides / Now it's fading fast / Every second, every moment / We've got to make it last
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost
I touch you once, I touch you twice / I won't let go at any price / I need you now like I needed you then / You always said that we'd be friends some day
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

I wonder, sometimes, if you need a license to love.

But if you leave, don't look back
I'll be running the other way

This is a promise I'm making. To myself, to eveyone else involved.

And I know I can keep it. I know I'm strong.

And I know what not to do this time round.

I would've shut God out had this been a few months back... But I know better now. I know better than to try to be emotionless. Emotions make us humans, and I'm not going to deny it.

Yes, it might be safe if one were to just shut everything out and be emotionless - but I wouldn't. I know I wouldn't now, personally.

I'm hurt - and that reminds me I'm alive.

No more of that stupid pride either - keeping up a facade is all easy and safe, but there wouldn't be any point.

And at least I know I can cry now.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

I'm through accepting limits
Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know

Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love
I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"

And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free...

No. Definitely not.

If my polygon becomes 9-sided, I will scream.

Then I'll just shut myself off.

It was really interesting this morning. When I was just standing minding my own business... With this really, really cool song in my head. 'What Is This Feeling', from Wicked.

And BAM! The song applied!

Let me put down the lyrics so it'll be clearer:

What is this feeling, so sudden,and new?

I felt the moment I laid eyes on you

My pulse is rushing
My head is reeling
My face is flushing

What is this feeling?
Fervid as a flame
Does it have a name?
Yes...

Loathing!
Unadulterated loathing!
For your face,
Your voice,
Your clothing!
Let's just say
I loathe it all!

Every little trait how ever small
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl
With simple utter

Loathing!
There's a strange exhilaration
In such total detestation
It's so pure, so strong!

Though I do admit it came on fast
Still I do believe that it can last
And I will be loathing, loathing you my whole life long!

I think it's really cool how 'loathing' sounds like 'loving' and the lyrics could be a love song - if there wasn't the word 'loathing'. I think lyrics are just so genius and cool!

Okay... Maybe I'm a little harsh here, referring to someone here... But.

I'm just wondering at the irony of it all.

How things can change so much in just a short period of time.

From that to this. It's... sad in some way, but it grosses me to a really large extent.

Cos seriously. Double-standards are just so - hypocritical, and I really, really dislike double-standards.

But it's funny how songs change just like that.

Hm.

Anyway. I suggest that anyone who wants to de-stress/take a break from studying to go to YouTube and listen to this song. Cos when I first started listening to it, I burst out laughing at the cool absurdity. Genius, really. Not to mention how the voices of Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth blend so well.

But yeah.

I have my KI Paper 2 in a few hours... So.

Today was fun, though ;P

"Oh my - God. Oh my - God. Oh my - AAAHHHHHHH! (falls of chair)"

AND

Principal: Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that we have a new student joining us. She just moved here all the way from Africa.

Teacher (faces black girl): Welcome

Black girl: I'm from Michigan.

Okay that wasn't as funny on script. I guess you have to see it to know. [It's Mean Girls, by the way. The first part.]

OKAY, so I really need to sleep.

This. Is. Bloody. Annoying.

I wanted to start off this post with something really cynical.

But one song.

One freaking song and I feel like crying?

See, I don't cry over songs? So when I actually hear one that does make me feel like that, I get so annoyed over this loss of control.

But I'm still listening to it anyway.

Dammit.

I hate this.

I think it's 'highly irritating' that I've got my drive back to study.

And my body just can't cooperate with that.

Tearing eyes... Drippy nose... Body that is so close to exhaustion... And the best part? I felt all of these when I just woke up.

Sucks so bad.

Which reminds me of this song I just heard the night before:

Your lives suck?
I hearing you correctly?
Ha!

I coming to this country
For opportunities
Tried to work in Chinese
deli but I am Japanese
But with hard work
I earn two Master's Degrees
In social work
And now I a therapist
But I have no clients
And I have an
Unemployed fiance
And we have lots
Of bills to pay
It suck to be me
It suck to be me
I say it
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Suck!
It suck to be me!

This was actually the part where I laughed - this Ms-Swan-esque woman comes out and starts singing. Her accent was funny and all, and the lyrics - haha.

By the way, this song's from Avenue Q, titled It Sucks To Be Me.

And yes, Avenue Q's a Broadway musical.

So typical of me, I know.

But I digress.

Interesting to note that that could go both ways.

Cos here I am. Sitting, typing at the computer, blogging about a day when my Prelims start tomorrow.

And I'm digressing from studying.

So I shall digress from this digression back to the digression from the digression of life.

Go figure that out, losers [and by that I mean non-Arts Fac people].

Oh, I am just an ammalgamation of joy, happiness and warmth.

Okay.

So, I've been real pleased with myself:D

I've got my drive on!!! Although Chip didn't help much today or yesterday. SHEESH.

Still... It feels good knowing that I'm actually working for this.

Oh yeah.

What a day this has been
What a rare mood I'm in
Why it's almost like being in love

Yes there's a smile on my face
For the whole human race
Why it's almost like being in love

Oh the music of life sings to me
Like a bell that is ringing for me

And from the way that I feel
When that bell starts to peal
I would swear I was falling
I could swear I was falling
It's almost like being in love

Although, I still wish I'd be able to be what I want to be without having to have that lousy thing placed on while I am.

Sheesh.

Ah.

At least I'm going to study!!!...

Now I've got to worry that study gets in the place of God.

IRONIC, MUCH???

I've been feeling... off lately.

Is it angst?

I don't know...

I can't even really pin-point what the problem is.

This lethargy sucks, at any rate. I feel so paralyzed, like I can't even do anything, even though I want to. This refers to work, of course.

"FYI, Mat? 79 more days to the A's. Including today. So get that lazy ass off Facebook and go do your work."

If only I behaved according to the voice of reason...

This is a lousy time to go through puberty...

Or to be schizo.

SK said that the birthday that's coming up for me is my Golden Birthday.

That is, I'm going to turn 18 on the 18th.

And so I've been thinking about my birthday, actually, and how I'd like to celebrate it. Before he came up with this today, actually, but it seems an apt time to put it down now, since he mentioned it.

And I imagine my 18th birthday to be like this:

I'd tell my parents that I'm going out on my birthday - the day before or something. Then I'd wake up at 6 a.m. when everyone's still asleep, dress in some comfortable clothes, leave my phone at home and go out.

I'm not sure what I'd do exactly... But I know I'd walk. Maybe around the whole of Singapore. Exploring, maybe. Eating when I'm hungry. Drinking when I'm thirsty. Resting when I'm tired of walking. Perhaps find certain secluded spots to just sit by myself. Study, maybe, since Lit Paper 5 would be in a few days' time.

And I'd just think. Contemplate. Pray. Worship. Just spend the whole day with myself. And with God. No distractions, nothing.

Then I'd come home at 12 midnight, and when my parents ask me where I'd been, I'd answer vaguely, not explaining anything. And when my family wishes me happy birthday, I'd say my birthday has passed.

Then I'd go and shower, go to my room, check my phone, scroll through all the messages, put my phone down, and go to sleep.

***

It dawned on me, just a little while back, how soon I'll be gaining my independence. I calculate that I'd have 4 - 11 months [if I get enlisted in July - which I don't think I'll be. Or rather, I'm really hoping not] to NS.

Once I'm in NS, I think my parents would more or less leave me alone unless I do something outrageously rebellious - but it's not like I'd see them a lot, anyway.

Then two years and I'm done with NS, and I'd be 20. And if I get my way, I'd be flying off overseas to do my university. God willing, of course.

That's why my J2 life would be the last real time for me to be under my parents... After this, I think they'll let me go.

I wonder if I'd be able to survive.

Counting down to the A's!...

And I'm top of my work! Well, except Economics... And I still have to do some reading up for Lit... And practice for Math... And research for IS...

BUT I FEEL IN CONTROL, STILL.

Oh, Lord. It's been a long, long time. But I'm glad I'm returning to You.

I see so many things now...

It's different, now.

Self-actualization: good?

Maybe, and maybe not. Debatable.

But.

I wish...

That my life...

Had a "Greek cho-ruuuuus!!!!!"

That'd make it more exciting!

Not like my life needs any hyping-up... That's for sure. But it'd be so cool if people suddenly burst into song randomly over the thematic issues of life.

Like today in Econs lecture, Rachel [Ho, since there're so many] and I suddenly conversed on something about musicals. [Oh yeah, I remember now; it was because I wanted to look at the clock, which is located behind in the CC, so I turned around with dramatic flair, with chin held high, eyebrows raised in expectations, eyes wide in hope - then disappointment as I realized there was 17 minutes left to the lecture, which manifested itself with a slump back to the front in a "Aww..." manner. So in effect there was this moment of two freeze-frames in quick succession, randomly dramatic. I felt so weird after, and Rachel happened to catch me doing that kinda-embarrassing thing.]

So we started talking about drama [I was talking over Sofia's shoulder as she was sitting behind me diagonally, a very inconvenient position to talk in. I don't suggest holding conversations like that. Especially for the person in front.] and we were just wondering how it'd be like if the whole lecture populace suddenly burst into song-and-dance [she spectacularly came up with a scenario which highly resembled the "I Wanna Be A Producer" number in The Producers - and all by herself!].

Yeah.

I wonder what would happen if that were to happen in Lit class or something...

I imagine it'd go something like:

Student (tentatively speaking):
Um, may I ask a question?

[Dramatic pause]

Teacher (spoken):
Question? Question?
You want to ask a question?
You want to ask this teacher here a very simple question?

Student (spoken):
Well, it isn't that -

Teacher (interruptedly singing):
Thank gooood-neeeeeess!!!!!!! (holds note)

I've worked here for so long
And I've never done a wrong
I've taught my students everything I know

BUT!

The only reason why I'm never wrong
Is because they never understood my song

But now I've got a question
I can now answer it!
Yeah I've gotten my first question
Stupidity - back seat!

This is His-to-ry in the making, yes sir
Although I'm teaching Literature!

[Students stare at Teacher weirdly as she flies into full song-and-dance mode, jumping on tables and ripping up textbooks, and carouses all over the room with wild abandon.]

OMG.

I wonder what it'd be like if Ms K did that in class.

HAHAHAHAHA!

I think I'd die.

No, actually, I'd film it down first, then I'd die, because I'd have put it on YouTube or something and she'd have killed me.

Right.

See, this blog is so interesting. It's got prose, poetry, and now drama.

I should call this blog "A Literature of Literature" or something.

ANYWAY.

Back to my work!

Or rather, start on it...

"Keep it positive!
As you slap her to the floor!
Keep it positive!
As you pull her hair and call her whore!
You can take in her in a fight!
You and he will re-unite!
You know we're right
We're positive!"

To clarify, this is a song. It's just to keep me positive, since it's so happy:D

Anyway, 'her' can be referred to as the A's [when did exams receive accolades of female pronouns?!] and 'he' can be. Um. My EXCELLENT grades! Although I've never had excellent grades before, so I can't really re-unite, since we were never united... How about my sanity, which I assume will return after the A's?

Oh yeah!!!

Yeah, I'm positive! ;)

What's 12 X 7?

84.

AND THAT'S THE NUMBER OF DAYS TO THE A'S.

I should post a count-down here or something...

At least I've found the chip on my shoulder!

Few chips, anyway.

AND I'M REALLY DETERMINED TO DO WELL NOW!

And I'm really glad that even though I did procrastinate today, I finished all I wanted to.

Yeah.:)

EXCEPT MY IS.

CRAP. CRAP. CRAP.

ARGH!

I always forget the important things!

Well... All of my homework was important... So I guess... But this is important as well...

Okay.

I should stop Virginia Woolf-ing, as Mrs Goh likes to say I do.

Or I'll drown myself in a river due to depression.

...

Maybe I should...

Then it'll be all over...

BULL.

HAHA.

I wonder how many of you fell for that.

Ah well.

I should stop this and finish my IS Outline... IMAGINE, I'M STILL ON MY OUTLINE AT THIS STAGE!!!

It's okay.

I can do this.

Just take it easy.

I know I can.

You can, Mat. You can.

Like the little engine!

"I know I can, I know I can, I know I can..."

If the little engine lived today, he'd probably be thrown into an asylum.

I NEED TO FIND THE CHIP ON MY SHOULDER!

C'mon, c'mon...

I CAN do this!

I WILL do this!

I have to get through this.

SCREW PROCRASTINATION.

"But with the chance you've been given
Why are you not driven as hell?!
There's just no way around it
You gotta plow through til you've FOUND IT!"

He'd only heard rumours about her - but encountering her for the first time, he could see the extent to which her presence was felt. She compelled with some sort of enchantment that he was not quite sure of; he was being inexplicably drawn to her, but he did not understand it. He thought he could handle the magnitude of power that emanated from her, and he wanted to test it, to tease it, to see how far it would bend to his will.

***

"Take a look at this," she said. "Explore it."

He looked at the view she'd presented. He was astounded by the magnificence of the scenery that embraced his sensations with such wild, joyous abandon. He took it all in, absorbed, taking in as much of it as he possibly could. To let it saturate, assail, assault his senses until he was entirely immersed. It was glorious.

He turned to her quickly, a grin on his face, when he noticed her face. It was one of displeasure, as though something musty had descended upon her delicate tongue. She was utterly repulsed. He was bewildered.

***

The first time he'd encountered her, he'd quickly retracted everything he'd ever felt. She'd demanded, she'd asserted, and she utterly relished the control she knew she had. He didn't like it. He wondered...

But soon, he began to see certain aspects of her that had gone unnoticed. The nuances of her behaviour, her language - it stemmed from something more. And even as he figured it out with each encounter, she merely glanced at him once in awhile.

He'd begun to speak, but she'd silence him. After a length of time, he grew tired of it, and stopped his attempts altogether. That silence disgusted her as well, and he rocked to-and-fro, wondering about this enigmatic woman.

***

"Well," he began. "It's beautiful."

"Beautiful?" she spat, throwing a disgusted look at him. "This... this thing. Beautiful. What utter rubbish."

"Well," he started again, tentatively. "Th-"

"Look at that." She extended a sharp, red claw and pointed out a flaw. 'Surely, that hadn't been there before!' his mind whirled. 'It was perfect! Nothing was supposed to have marred it!'

"There."

"There."

"And there."

Slowly but surely, she was turning Paradise into Sheol; Heaven into Hell. What was going on?

***

The crowd opened for her wherever she walked, but she didn't even notice it then. She didn't notice anyone. She was behaving exactly the opposite of what she preached, and everyone except her noticed it. Disgusted with her hypocrisy, they turned away.

He noticed many changes in her. The most apparent was the loss of her magnetic attraction. She didn't draw anymore; she repelled. She repelled so much, that he was shocked at this change. Then he noticed a change in her behaviour, in her stance, in her mannerisms. He wasn't quite sure where it was going, but it was definitely going somewhere.

***

He looked at her, aghast. Why was she turning it into something mean, something horrible, something ugly?

It seemed like she sensed his despair, as she looked from her high pedestal down at him.

"Because it is."

'But it wasn't! It couldn't be! It wasn't the way he saw it, it couldn't!' his mind was in a turmoil. He didn't want it. Not at all.

Her features softened even as they looked at him, even as he realized the final result of her changing. She looked at him, almost as if in sympathy.

"You have to accept it. That's the way it is. And you can't change it."

He looked back. He wanted to say something defiant, to rebuke her, to slam her, to lambast her - but staring straight into her eyes, he merely nodded his head.

She smiled, her job done. Education of the unwise, of the unknowledgeable, of the foolish. Then she walked away from him.

He felt her leaving, but he still fought. He still fought for Paradise. He knew it was out there; he just had to find it. He turned and faced the despondent picture she had painted. He knew it was an illusion. He just had to get rid of it. He had to!

He strained his eyes to just catch a glimpse of beauty, and - wait! Something shimmered in the destruction before him. Hope? A silver lining? He was not sure. He focussed and - yes! He was seeing it!

"What are you doing?"

She was back, a sneer to her face.

"What do you think you are doing?"

He ignored her, and instead lashed all of his concentration on that single speck of beauty he'd found in this place of ugliness.

"I am speaking to you! Do you want to go back to being illusioned? Do you want to return to your filth?"

***

There.

The beauty. The Paradise. It was back.

He turned back to look at her. In Paradise, all he could see was a ghostly shimmer of her self. Then he realized that that's all she'd ever been.

She was the one to be pitied.

She was sneering at him.

"I told you this place was ugly."

He looked at his Paradise, confused. What was she talking about?

"It's ugly! Just look at it! Here! And there! And there!"

Wherever she pointed, all he could experience was beauty. A small burst of fireworks; the melody of an orchestra; the touch of pure velvet.

She was looking at him with an expectant face. "Well?"

"Well," he smiled. "It's beautiful."

The sound of one hand clapping...

Is baloney to my ears.

:)

Sometimes, like now, I wonder why I bother.

Just let it be, right?

Hm.

Apparently it doesn't work both sides, if I'm reading the signs correctly.

I'd still get affected. I know I would. Why my emotions wouldn't leave me be, I don't know. And honestly? I'd rather do without them. With regard to this, at least.

Do I want to clarify? I would. But I don't feel like talking to anyone as of now. At this point in time. Especially.

Why do I bother? Why should I bother? In the big scheme of things, as compared to eternity, the amount of time is literally nothing. Be it half a month or half a decade, it wouldn't really matter. Eh?

Because seriously. This whole thing is stupid. Pride is stopping, I guess. I don't know. I could, but I don't know if I should. Scratch open the wound? The blood will flow, and who knows whether it would recover again. Ever.

***

I went to church yesterday, after claiming MCs and parental excuses for the past 3 weeks. It was good. It felt really good to be back with God. After being absent for so long.

And I sorted out a lot of things as well.

My mind was a lot clearer.

But... now? I dunno.

God, God, God. Only He can help now.

Much as I hate to say it?

"You are faithful; Your joy is my strength."

Bookman.

Without emotions, without feelings.

Just an astute, critical mind, observing everything, feeling nothing.

Is that the solution? Is that the way to go?

Hm.

I know you're probably feeling so much more than disappointment.

But I meant what I said.

If things were different...

But one thing you did, you helped me solve some problems in my life. How, I don't know, but you managed to. And I'll always be grateful to you for that.

***

My mind's all good and proper now.

I know where my priorities lie.

I think God was really trying to teach me something from there.

And I think I more or less got it.

Where this leaves me?

Stranded.

But I know to walk in faith, whatever it is.

And that God will guide me.

Yup.