And now that BT 1 is over, it seems I can't really be bothered about studies now.

My apathy level for studying has increased to, like, 98% Procrastination mode? No actually, procrastination would indicate an actual knowledge of the fact that I have to study. I just don't. I just go through my days just lesson after lesson trying to grasp things, and if I don't, I don't go back and study. Heh. Better change that mindset soon. Or even better, now.

Just imagine. In a year, I'd be in the army. Or less, as a matter of fact. That's fast.

I've decided not to let my thoughts run away from me that simply anymore. I'll just control, subdue, and submit it to God. Then I won't get so unnecessarily depressed over things that should not even be affecting me. It's working well so far.

Dance is starting to be exhausting. The mental strain, too. Shan't elaborate, however. Let me just say that the intricacies of certain disciplines that go beyond the mere facade of the superficial [physically-speaking] have justified their stereotypes. Or maybe not.

Regardless, I've decided to try to be less depressed in school. Although this 'emo' look has a certain appeal that I find myself falling for time and again. It's just this mood that reads "Leave me alone, cos my day sucks" although the intention behind it screams "Can't you see I'm depressed??? Aren't you going to try to make it better???" Attention gets the better of us.

And yes, I do know that I'm blogging all over the place today. Not to mention the sudden surge of vocabulary words catapulting all over the place that I haven't used in eons. Or rather, since my days at Catholic High [where the sole purpose of using said words was to impress each other in a bid to lay hold of the claim of 'best writer for English', the position of which I have to say I held in the minds of my other classmates - not in my mind, however, because I knew of the other multitudes of people admiring my work could exceed mine - and have, in some cases since I haven't bothered to do long sentences for no particular purposes in a really long time all the while inserting some long words that will make my work seem so much more complicated and sophisticated than it actually is], and this could be attributed [see? 'attributed', not 'due'] to the fact that I am sick [ill, etc.] and my mind isn't working too well, and my mind just intends to spout out rubbish till I fall sicker or recover.

Okay that was rubbish.

So I shan't waste any more time blogging stuff like that cos it's quite a waste of time seeing that it's already coming to midnight and I haven't really started on my Math tutorial, and that I should be recuperating by eating then sleeping soon.

I think my medicine's making me drowsy.

Heh.

In honour of that short little girl who kept asking me for these two adages today -- "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" or "Out of sight, out of mind"?

"If the world were to move at a slower pace and your speed remained constant, the relative velocity would cause you to be able to move much faster than before. Therefore, the world should move at a slower pace."

I had a sudden flashback in my room just now.

Of days in secondary school.

How far they seem, although it's only been 2-3 years. Okay, maybe it is far, but still.

I suddenly remembered the crazy moments that Colin, Matthew and me had in the Art Room. The retarded ripping out the paper-towels, soaking them wet at the sink and throwing them around [me scoring BIG when I smacked Colin right in the back with Matthew screaming with laughter at the side], the insane threatening of Colin's "I'll destroy your art work!" to Matthew's whiny begging laughter, the paranoid "Is my art work nice?" "No, it's f***ing ugly!", the random impromptu modelling we did when we turned off all the lights and slammed the tables together and started cat-walking down the "runway" with the tables wobbling like mad and them being all worried about me getting my head cut off by the fans since I'm so tall. Then the aftermath in which we laugh/scream/talk all the way to Colin's house opposite school in which Matthew will always try to do something to annoy Colin, especially with the random ransacking of cupboards and stuff in search of food. Chilling out in the room [literally, with the air-con], listening to Lush 99.5 FM, major bitching [especially during the Wars], etc.

I suddenly miss those days. Everything was so carefree - in a high-school sort of way - without all the new problems we're all facing with now. Everything was so certain, and there really wasn't much care about the day after, or the O Levels. Now with the impending A Levels [in which no one can cram for, apparently, except for perhaps a select few who are geniuses] and all the stress of relationships and studies, those days seem like Paradise.

Everyone's so cynical now. Everyone's so critical, everyone's so old and knowledgeable. Innocence lost. Poems like "Blackberry-picking" are really starting to make sense now. Those days will never come back, no matter how much people reminisce.

On the bright side, I think my class is really cool [which class ever thinks to pull a prank on a teacher by freezing for two whole minutes at the same time?!] and Council does at least bring great memories.

I know I've always said I hated my secondary school. In retrospect, perhaps it wasn't that bad.

And I better start enjoying the remnants of my JC life before I regret it when the A Levels are over.

Says cynical me.

This is joyous.

And I'm not being sarcastic. Or ironic. Irony would be the correct word, actually. To quote Ms K, "Sarcasm is used to criticize, while irony has an intention to teach." So I'm not being ironic. Or sarcastic. Whatever.

Anyway, today has been a big improvement in my life. In a really long time, actually. This is one of the few times when I'm happy because. I know it doesn't really make sense - logical sense, at any rate - but whoever said God had to make sense? Heh.

Today's Math paper taught me one thing. Math is therapeutic. HAHA. I think that's a characteristic of Math that only I can see. Or not. But never mind. But honestly, when I look back, I can always remember that whenever I'm doing Math, the back of my mind would be analyzing things, like people and things that happened prior to me doing Math, and I can actually work out some stress all the while doing Math. And get the answers correct. Haha.

I know it's quite insane, but Math does do that to me. And I was feeling totally horrible in the morning before the Math paper, but after the Math paper, although I didn't feel too good about it, my whole mood improved overall.

This is rather ironic, though. I can recall Math doing the total opposite to Matthew. And his mastication of a certain A-Math textbook cover page. And his constant moaning and putting his head on the table and chanting the "I hate Math; I'm an Arts student" mantra. And hearing him bitch about ALL Math teachers [i.e. ZA to Ms Tan].

See? Math is incredibly versatile. Haha.

Okay fine. Enough about Math then. I must be crazy to blogging here when I have two papers tomorrow. 5 hours altogether. Squeezing in 6 essays. My right hand is going to be so much more muscular tomorrow. Honestly.

Anyway. This is rather joyous, I must say. I'm on a heavenly high, and I mean it in the most literal sense. I'm so happy just because. One hour and a half in a room with God and all my problems are cleared. Okay, not all, but the issues I've been dealing with for near half a year have suddenly seemed so minor. And irrelevant. I've got it back, hallelujah!

So I better get back to studying. Or rather, start studying. So.

"Life is a bed of roses. Ever try sleeping in one?"

My life is going down the tubes.

God.

I don't know what's going on with me.

Finished my Lit paper today, was in a pretty good mood, then BAM! and all my good-moodiness just flew out of the window. And I ended up feeling lethargic and tired. Then someone had to come and say stupid things to piss me off.

Really made my day.

Thanks.

Then as I was walking home with Perdana, we were reviewing what we were going to get after our Block Test 1. Which was Selection Camp / LTC preparation [he's in the LTC Comm] followed by our MSA 2 which is about 5 weeks after our BT 1, and in between I have Selection Camp, then he has LTC after that, which is then followed by BT 2, then Prelims and A Levels. And in the midst of all that, the teachers have not finished teaching our syllabus, which means more lessons, more revisions of work that is still not fully understood, and I have my IS paper to do which would take up even more time, not to mention the Dance rehearsals that are sure to increase in number exponentially as Rapture draws near.

Screwed? Screwed.

On top of all of that I have to deal with people. Which I now consider one of the things I hate doing the most.

To answer SK's question, as of now, I think independence is the best thing that can happen to me. Right at this juncture. I don't want to be so involved with people and be so bothered by what people think - vanity, as Mary Bennett would say, is different from pride - and think to the point of paranoia. I just don't need that now.

You know, call me a Pharisee, but maybe Danielle has the right idea.

I'm sick and tired of feeling more than I ought - with regard to boundaries and parameters I set for myself - and for doing more than I should - again, with regard to boundaries and parameters placed by me. It's so draining, especially on the spirit.

Maybe I should try being totally independent [read: loner] and just not bother about anyone. Maybe just break off all connections with people and just focus on studying. Afterall, that's what's important, isn't it? Studying? And the A Levels? Never mind that people become zombies without emotions or feelings any longer. Just study. Get 4 A's for the A Levels.

Hurray.

I haven't been studying. As much as I should. I think.

I dunno, when I compare my studying to others, I feel so... behind. Like, I study for barely three hours a day, and people are chalking up like 14 hours of study-time a day.

I feel so inadequate.

I suppose I could and should do more...

On a lighter note:

And his heart belongs to that sweet, little, beautiful, wonderful, perfect, All-American girl

I dunno, I feel so warm whenever I hear that song... :)

Honestly.

My patience wears thin.

Unbearably thin.

If I were alone at home now, I think I'd scream.

To be so - I dunno - oblivious to everything around. That's just sick.

I mean, seriously, could you do a self-check? Be more aware?? Not just of those little things about surroundings, but even the very basic nature of your happiness. Get a grip of your life, and stop lamenting and lambasting the rest of the world for some personal fault of yours. I agree, it ain't all your fault, but WAKE-UP CALL HERE! I take it you assume that it's all hearsay - and now from simple judgements made. How do you know? How do I know, for that matter, I admit, but you don't even entertain that thought, but you just make an assumption that ooh, the world hates you! and you blame the world, and never yourself. Do you even reflect?

And that's not the only thing. You can act all intrusive and stuff into people's lives, so go ahead! I don't care! But you know what? I don't think you'd even have the oppoturnity if I had not done what I did. But never mind, go on with your life, behave all 'us' now that you've got your security. But let me tell you something. There will come a day when that security you now have will be ripped from you, and then you'll be like when you once were. Alone, insecure, and looking for more. And you may or may not find it.

There's no point in looking in security for things that are temporary. Placing the worth of your life on it. It's pointless. It'll just go away. God knows I've experienced that time and time again. It just. Won't. Work.

Now I've vented enough.

Wring each other dry.

I took myself out of it.

I chose too.

Conscious decision.

Do I regret it?

Taking myself out of a definitive comfort zone and throwing myself headfirst into what I thought was a secure place. Though I'm not so sure about that now.

Do I regret it?

I guess not. I mean there are times where I feel like I could've if only I wanted to - but then I realize that I don't really want to. Not anymore. Not for a long time, actually.

It quite disgusts me, as a matter of fact. To sit and watch and just feel so grossed out. But then whenever I do I have to stop and compare myself. Do I do that sometimes? Do I feel like that?

Does it matter, even? I know I shouldn't be like that, cos I'm judging whenever I roll my eyes at that. I know I ought to have more love than that. God knows He's taught me that countless times.

It's just that I never thought I'd see you go down that path. Never thought it of you to be like that. And it's quite shocking. And to some extent, it saddens me.

You don't hurt me anymore. You haven't hurt me in a long time. I just feel sympathy for you. I just feel sad for you. That at this stage, just when you're going to finish it, you succumb.

Yes, it's true that we shouldn't listen to detractors sometimes. That what you do is your own business and no one should be bothering about it. But then again. Criticisms sometimes actually reveal some truths about you. More truth than you can ever think about unless you actually stop to observe the behaviours of the people around you.

Instead of just being in your own world to the point of exclusion, open your eyes once in a while and just see. See what has changed. See the actions of the world around that little bubble you've created just for yourself. See - is it everyone else who has changed, or is it just you.

But still. If you think you're going in the right direction, and at the end of the year, when school is over, when your JC life is said and done, if you look back, don't regret whatever you've done. Although in a way I wish you would lament over what you should have done and didn't do - at least you lose it here in JC instead of learning the lesson at a harder stage in your life later on.

God bless you. Really. Because at this stage, no one else would really care enough.

I'm glad I walked into that hall today. Wake-up call, really.

And now I know that I CAN get my A's. Especially for Lit, Economics and DEFINITELY Math. Not so sure about KI, though... With God, maybe.

I know I used to have struggles with God. How I wanted to succeed by my own strength. It was kind of a proof to myself that I was good enough to stand alone. But after a while I realized that that that kind of pride wasn't good. Because I didn't have to prove to anybody that I could do it. I just needed faith and confidence in God. That was enough. And God really took steps to break that pride. And I'm glad for it.

Many things have happened in this short space of 2 and a half months than has happened in the past 16 years of my life. Emotionally. I'm learning a lot of things at a very rapid pace. [For example, I learnt that I have NO inkling whatsoever when it comes to the heart.] And it's been real good.

I'm starting to feel more and more independent. Not just from my family, but kinda by my friends as well. Not from God, hopefully.

There doesn't seem to be point to this post. Heh. So I shall end here.

Today was screwed up.

Honestly.

I don't know what's wrong with people around me. Or maybe it's just me.

I got sworn at in the morning, which screwed up my whole day, then I had to come home and face certain unreasonable peoples.

Life is screwed up, ain't it.

Not to mention I've got my KI Block Test 1 tomorrow, of which I have little confidence since I always screw up my KI, then though the holidays are coming I'll be studying like mad hopefully trying to catch up on work.

And after BT 1 is over I have to attempt to finish my choreography for Rapture WHILE planning for Selection Camp all at one shot. Then in April, I die.

Don't hold funerals. I don't believe in them.

By July, I should be an exhausted piece of nothing trying to do well for my A's while trying to juggle Dance [thank GOD Council will be over] and hoping to get 4 A's. Though that aspiration's kinda not really there anymore.

On top of which I have to deal with other people's problems, and my own insecurities about enlisting early for NS, for who-knows-what reason. Then I'll have to worry about my A Level results in the middle of NS and wondering where I should go for Uni.

Just the icing on the cake, I reckon.