And so he yelled and screamed to the wind, willing it to respond to him like it used to, to feel the tangible power tingling at his very will, to manipulate it as he once could, the symbiotic relationship both giving and receiving, fuelling his power, knowing the wind was as much a slave to him as he was to it. But silence greeted him with a whip on his face. The wind was no longer his to control. It moved where it would now, and nothing he could do would change it. With it, it left an emptiness. That could not be filled no matter how he raged and stormed and tempered...

SO! NO MORE INDEPENDENT STUDIES EVER AGAIN!

YES!

And so that's 40% of my KI grade.

Gosh.

All that work for the past few months - all up to God now. And those darned Cambridge markers who determine our future.

Tch.

As for now, though I'm just relishing not having to be worried about it anymore.

So basically, I've cleared the obstacles I've been ranting about in this blog for the past few months: I've stepped down from Council, my dance has been choreographed, Rapture is over, the Block Tests are over, Prelims are over - and now what's left is the actual A Levels.

Shudder, to think of that.

30 days more. That's a month. 4 weeks. To my first paper.

OH MY GOD. That is real scary.

I'm going to swing into full-study mood now.

After this novel, of course...

***

This blog is getting too public. Which is why its expiration date is fast approaching. About a week more or so. Hm. Need to find a nice blogskin for my other blog. To clean off, to start afresh.

AND. My plans for my birthday [see one of my archives if you can actually be bothered] are totally ruined because Mrs Tan goes all 'for the 5 days between the end of your last paper before Paper 5, you are mine and I am yours' and I'm all, but it falls on my birthday!

What the heck. That sucks so bad.

On the other hand, I started listening to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang songs!

Well - okay, song - since I only listen to the theme song. But it's quite catchy, and child-like, and kinda much-needed from all this grotesque academia.

Right.

And on a totally random note, I feel like dying. Just because the numbers add up one way in the phenomenal world and in the social world does not actually mean it'll add up utility-wise - cos quantity does not equate quality, and though those that are closer to the centre of the circle do actually encompass possibilities of sorts - quite a lot, actually - it seems that energy spent on studying and stuff leaves me lacking in the areas of working toward a tighter shape, and as a result I scream at space.

Enough abstraction for now.

My mind needs sleep. And rest. And stuff.

Ooh wow, I'm going shoe-shopping tomorrow! - And as bimbotic as that sounds, I'm just going to the Converse Warehouse Sale - hopefully I can find something in my size which I actually like - but more often that not, A does not intersect B.

Of course, that's kinda my fault.

***

I saw HSM 2 last night - and I must say it really brings back memories, since it was so long ago.

And I think I actually like some of the songs a lot now, after listening to them again [and not listening to them in a long time], like Everyday - what I blogged about at the New Year's countdown thing with my Council buddies, and even You Are The Music In Me [and laughing with Sam about Sharpay's "5, 6, 7, 8!" version].

And I definitely want to watch HSM 3 - the songs actually seem nice, and I think Lucas Grabeel actually has a role here - not to mention that I think Ashley Tisdale looks better and better with each sequel ;)

You know the words 'Once Upon A Time'
Make you listen
There's a reason
When you dream there's a chance you'll find
A little laughter
Or Happy Ever After

You're the harmony
To the melody
That's echoing inside my head
A single voice
Above the noise
And like a common thread

When I hear my favourite song
I know that we belong
You are the music in me
It's living in all of us
And it's brought us here because
You are the music in me

"You're the harmony / To the melody / That's echoing inside my head..."

Yup.

And the break turns into an hour-long surf on YouTube for videoes.

I have got to straighten out my priorities.

So I'm on my IS-break now. Finishing soon.

Can't wait. Gosh.

Of Paper 5 and empowerment:

Throw me out on the street
I get back on my feet
I'm completely hardcore!

I got my name in black and white
And I have not begun to fight
But I feel so much better
Hello, much better
C'mon, let's go
I can go much better
I am so much better

Maybe Mary Poppins has finally shown up!

Yeah, whatever.

"I dreamed of your name next to my own / But mine's looking fine up there alone..." Or is it?

Ah...

I suddenly feel so relaxed, and I am in such a great mood.

I have an IS to write, but the night stretches before me, full of possibilities, my brain brewing with ideas, concepts, that I have to shape and craft into an essay.

I can do that.

I am totally calm and relaxed! [My goodness, I sound like Becky Bloomwood here. Gosh.]

But I'm just listening to lounge music now, while attempting to do my IS. You notice I'm attempting - since I'm blogging, I'm not exactly doing it, eh.

But right now, it's all just a really jazzed-up version of 'His Eye Is On The Sparrow' - the one that Lauryn Hill did in Sister Act.

And it's really calming. Grooving, almost. And I'm just so chilled now!

Once again, the power of music!

Thank You, God, for that. For creating music.

And coffee.

Haha.

Totally random, I know.

Why should I feel discouraged
And why should the shadows come
Why should my heart feel lonely
And long for Heaven and home

When Jesus is my Portion
A constant Friend is He
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me

I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me

Thank You, Jesus, for Your peace. That surpasses all understanding. Truly and deeply.

I might even sleep with a smile on my face tonight.

:D

We love you, Glinda, if we may be so frank

Thank Goodness!

For all this joy, we know who we've got to thank:
Thank Goodness!

They
Couldn't be goodlier
She
Couldn't be lovelier
We
Couldn't be luckier

I couldn't be happier

Thank Goodness

Today!
Thank Goodness for today!

Which really reflects what I feel now, and I'm not being sarcastic about it.

However, if you actually know the song... Hm.

So anyway, I have all my Prelim results back.

And they're spectacular! -ish. -ly bad, actually.

But it's okay, the SEED will grow into a tree, and I'll get my A's.

I know I will.

Do I?

Sometimes I think I have all this potential inside of me that's just waiting to be tapped into [which kinda reminds me of that scene from HSM where Gabriella goes, "Have you ever felt like there's this whole other person inside of you just waiting to come out?" in which the black girl does this "Not really" diva act thing, but that's digressing] and other days I feel like the stupidest person on Earth and I think I'd just die an inebriate or something.

I dunno. Maybe it's my upbringing - everyone always telling me, "You're so talented! So full of potential!" since I was young: my parents, my piano teacher, violin teacher, band teacher, dance teacher, family, friends, etc., etc. and you know what? Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm ordinary. Maybe I'm just as normal as anyone, with nothing special to me. Maybe all this "I'm just lazy" or "I'm procrastinating" or "I didn't study" is just an excuse to why I fail. Maybe I am really just not very bright.

And yet, I don't know. I really feel like I have something, but it's just not manifesting itself. I really don't know.

Maybe I'm afraid of failure. So I don't study. So I can just say, "It's because I didn't study" and leave it at that.

Gosh.

Maybe it's time to really get down and dirty with the books [and they ARE dirty. And dusty.] and papers and worksheets and stuff.

Goodness, I can't believe I'm saying this 6 weeks before the A Levels.

My second wind?

It was a breeze. [Literally]

Oh, I wish a wind would blow [it'd be my third, and hopefully strongest] and it would blow so strong that Mary Poppins would come and make everything alright with her spit-spot no-nonsense tone of voice.

I need a nanny.

However, not Fran. She's too... nasal?

Oh, Mary Poppins! Let the East Wind blow and may you come into my life with a bang, sliding up the banisters, spewing nonsensical fantastical non-existing vocabulary, and giving me sound advice, whipping me into shape!

When trying to express oneself, it's frankly quite absurd,
To leaf through lengthy lexicons to find the perfect word.
A little spontaniety keeps conversation keen,
You need to find a way to say, precisely what you mean

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious!
If you say it loud enough, you'll always sound precocious,
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

My goal: To learn how to say it backwards with the ease that Julie Andrews has:

Of course you can say it backwards, which is Suoicodilaipxecitsiligarfilacrepus, but that would be pushing it, don't you think?

Induitably!

AND

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun, and snap! the job's a game!

And every task you undertake
Becomes a piece of cake
A lark! A spree!
It's very clear to see!
That a...

Spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!
The medicine go do-own
The medicine go down
Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down
In the most delightful way!

Yeah!

Speaking of spoonful of sugars, Kristin Chenoweth didn't win an Emmy for Pushing Daisies! G told me the unbelievable news last night, cos she was all "Kristin Chenoweth didn't win an Emmy!" and I'm like "For Pushing Daisies??" "Yeah!" "Who did?" and she says some obscure name, and I'm "Who the heck is that?"

At least Tina Fey won an Emmy! Tina Fey, the genius comedienne. Which was really cool.

On the other hand, I think I should actually watch Kristin Chenoweth in Pushing Daisies before I make comments and throw out phrases that seem like I would die for her, being her biggest fan and all. Which I'm not.

***

As I was walking home, I was just thinking to myself.

Maybe it just is. And you can't change it. No matter how hard you try. Maybe it's meant. And if that's the case, then - I don't know. Where do you place God in all these? True, there isn't such things as fate - but this and all the other evidences...? I dunno.

That was twice, and I don't know. Maybe I'm just thinking too much, but...

You know, it probably isn't. So I should stop. And I will. Eventually. And let's hope it's coming to that.

Induitably.

Speaking of alternative perceptions of "The Wizard Of Oz", here's one that MadTV came up with years before:




But that's what Dorothy really might have thought, eh.

Kinda makes you think, doesn't it.

On the other hand, I don't think a country-girl like Dorothy would know how to swear that horribly.

Man. And I was so looking forward to watch it.

So it looks like I've got my second wind.

Which is good. Cos I was kinda just slumbering about this week, not really doing work but not really not doing work either, which was just stressful since everyone's really mugging now.

But I did today, so that's real fine.

Not to mention that we got one of our Lit papers back today, and though I wasn't exceptional, I still did quite well considering the average mean of our school's Lit results if one follows a Normal Distribution. Which. You know, you can since the cohort is large, and by Central Limit Theorem, you can assume all consumers rational.

Incoherent trash I'm writing here.

Cos I'm tired. Why, I don't know. Especially since I woke up so late today...

Okay, maybe I'll sign off now.

Mm.

Wow!

This is amazing stuff. I haven't been on the com in three days!

Or was it two?

Ah, time is so convoluted now I can't tell.

Which is interesting, cos I was just thinking about it today and I realized that Prelims were just last week.

Oh gosh.

Really funny things happened in Econs tutorial the other day. I think it was two days ago.

So anyway, everyone's really tired and whatever in class and Mr Soh is just going on and on and on about Econs DRQ ["Always note the command words and the key words and highlight them" (ends up highlighting the whole sentence save sentence connectors and stuff)] and there's something about government intervention with regard to market failure due to market imperfection. So he says that America actually has a law to prevent this, and asks the class what it is. And intelligent me goes:

"The Fifth Ammendment?"

And Pris Sam sitting beside me squeals [I think] and goes, "I was going to say that too! Haha, been watching too much Legally Blonde."

And we end up laughing really, really quietly, trying to suppress our laughter so badly at the total incidence.

***

A joke I kinda saw in Em's notebook:

A: What's happening tommorrow?
B: There's only one 'M' in 'tomorrow'.

So I'm laughing about this, and Em says he always misspells 'tomorrow' and Sofia, who ALWAYS hears things out of context, goes, "Yeah! I also always misspell 'tomorrow'! I always spell it 'tomoro'!"

And everyone stops laughing at looks at her. And at this point, there is plenty of awkward silences to go around, and I'm like, That's not a legitimate mistake! Mina!

Which reminds me of the other time where she jumped in and said something stupid. Cos Alina was wondering how it would be like to be reincarnated, and I'm all, "Stardust! Stardust! You wanna be a star, right?" and she's like, "Yes, I do!" and we deviate away for awhile talking about unicorns [this is Alina here] and she sighs and goes, "I want to be a star..." and Sofia hears and goes, "Me too! I want to be a rock star!" and the table goes silent again.

***

I've been contemplating about swear words, and I think the word 'shit' is a really ugly swear word.

I mean, why would you think about bodily excrements in times of distress??

Imagine someone going, "Ms K's going to catch me for my hair/tie/whatever! Urine, urine!"

Talk about gross!

Or a person going, "Blood! Blood!"

Okay, ew.

Oh, that is being used. Hm.

Maybe there is thing to bodily excrements as swear words.

Which is weird. Not to mention sick. And wrong.

If all swear words were replaced with bodily excrements, maybe everyone would stop swearing.

Think about it. People will be talking like, "What the zit! That mucosal woman is breathing down my neck again!" or "Teary pieces of vomit!" or even "Phlegming bitch spat on my hand!" (which is what Ms K did to me).

But that'd be weird. Or maybe it's just culture perception.

***

I saw this really cool video on YouTube, which had the Kate Monster [Julie Atherton] and Trekkie Monster [Simon Lipkin] doing a rendition of 'Popular'. It was so cool!

Speaking of Avenue Q, Christy Carlson Romano is going to do Kate Monster in some new Broadway cast thing! That'd be so cool!

Although I can't imagine her doing the, "So why don't I have a boyfriend? F***!" part of 'It Sucks To Be Me'. I mean, she was on Disney Channel and on!

... Not like Disney has a very clean reputation, what with backstabbing girls and nude photo shoot scandals.

But still.

I must say, the downside to having a raving social life is the amout of money you spend. I've spent 10 dollars a day this week, and am going to spend more that that tomorrow.

Sheesh, gotta cut down.

And I should be off. Everyone's really losing their motivation to study now, ever since Prelims ended.

GOSH.

"I was walking along
Minding my business
When out of an orange-coloured sky
Flash!
Bam!
Alakazam!
Wonderful you came by!"

Unlimited
The damage is
Unlimited
To everyone I've tried to help
Or tried to love
And, oh, Fiyero, you're the latest
Victim of my greatest achievement
In a long career of distress
Every time I could
I tried making good
And what I made was a mess...

And I can't believe what just happened to me.

Apart from a lousy 2-hour nap, I just went 36 hours without sleep for no reason.

It was so stupid.

I went to bed early last night thinking to get a good night's rest for school.

Slept at 2143 h, woke up around 2330 h.

What next? I get hungry, so I go out to Macs to get dinner [which was, by way of incidence, a nice walk because the air was so cooling and refreshing, and I was all by myself just enjoying the breeze] and I come home and finish it.

So I go back to bed around 0130 h - and toss and turn until 0530.

Stupid much, I know.

And meanwhile, soundtracks are going off in my head, preventing me from claiming the peace I so desperately wanted. I think the whole Wicked! soundtrack played in my forehead. The WHOLE soundtrack.

So insane.

And here I am, blogging away when I should be sleeping.

No actually I just don't want to sleep that early - my body might receive too much rest and make me insomniac again tomorrow night.

Lousy body clock. Tch.

Anyway, if the grades I receive today are not the lowest for my Prelim papers, then. Well.

Then I'll write out a verse of 'It Sucks To Be Me' for myself.

Gosh.

In the meantime:

Elphaba, where I'm from, we believe all sorts of things that aren't true. We call it "History".

A man's called a traitor - or liberator
A rich man's a thief - or philanthropist
Is one a crusader - or ruthless invader?
It's all in which label
Is able to persist
There are precious few at ease
With moral ambiguities
So we act as though they don't exist

Interesting point to note about History. I wonder why Wicked! keeps attacking History.

Cross-reference [oh, goodness] this to the "Dancing Through Life" number:

Stop studying strife
And learn to lead the unexamined life

Huh. I think that's a coincidence, though.

And I should be going, really.

"Wonderful!
They'll call you wonderful!

It does sound wonderful!

Trust me; it's fun!"

This is... I dunno.

It's getting so coincidental, I don't know what to think anymore.

And I never believe in coincidence, so my mind is just whirling.

WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING???

I've never ever ever felt like that before, nor experienced this, for that matter.

And it's not like there's a comparison to ensure a certain duality - it just bloody happens.

And I'm just so confused.

I don't know what to think anymore.

Cos I don't believe in coincidences. I just don't.

And this consists of too many coincidences to even be considered coincidence.

My pulse is rushing
My head is reeling
My face is flushing

Mmhmm.

And that's exactly what I'm feeling right now.

Not because I 'loathe' someone. No, for another reason, entirely physical.

I just jogged! Yeah! Go me!

Now, whatever to you people who constantly exercise - I actually got my vegetating body out of its cabbage plot and out onto the streets running.

And I'm listening to this song, and I'm thinking, Yeah, you girls can sing that - you're standing in some recording studio most probably with air-con while I'm sweating my guts out here trying to prevent the evil folds of flesh from over taking my muscles.

Gosh.

But, yay! I'm really going to keep to this routine - probably going to jog everyday after school.

I felt so shocked yesterday night when I was just looking at my body - and I realized the extent to which I really let myself go since dance ended.

I felt so demoralized and whatever just looking at the mirror, I almost screamed.

Well, okay, I did scream at my sister, "I hate my body!" and I know I'm sounding really psychotic and superficial and vain so I shall stop.

But speaking of this, I'm only like that to myself, but I don't mind other people not being fit, because this is having double-standards applied to me.

For some reason.

And school starts tomorrow.

And believe it or not, I actually can't wait to get studying again.

I guess these 4 days of really allowing the fat I gain to go to my stomach and my brain really let me know how I dislike this state of mind.

WHOA, did that sound weird!?

That actually came out of my brain, eh.

Mm. Which is good, I guess.

Okay, enough of this superficiality. On to more important, deeper, more insightful, below the surface things...

"They were popular!
Please -It's all about po-pu-lar
It's not about aptitude
It's the way you're viewed
So it's very shrewd to be
Very very popu-lar
Like me!"

So I've been slacking around home these past few days, lazing around and just mooching about, basically.

Not around home - I went out yesterday 'til about 12 plus and came home all tired and stuffs, but the basic idea is that I'm just really, really sluggish.

Which is good, I guess. Kinda like de-stressing for me. Until Sunday. To 'chillax'. Huh.

It's real relaxing not having to think about homework. Cos I'm just pushing all of that away until school reopens again. Then I'll blast the A Levels to kingdom come.

Hm.

Meanwhile, my brain is atrophy-ing at a rate faster than my metabolism rate is going - which means I'm getting all pudgy. ARGH. I have to start exercising soon.

Maybe when my brain starts again...

My brain's shuttin down again even though I woke up, like, 3 hours ago. Maybe I'll go take a nap or something. Too tired to go out today. Heh.

I imagine this is how life would be after the A's.

Or not.

At least I'm in a WHOLE lot better mood this few days.

Though I sound quite cynical here. Probably cos I'm tired.

Ah well.

"Cos I am so much better than before!"

"She doesn't believe there's an atom of meaning in it."

So Prelims are over!

Yay!

Joy.

Okay I'm just really tired now, and I'm wondering why. I bailed on the class-outing thing (cos I really didn't want to watch the 'Money No Enough' show - I mean, pay about ten dollars for that?? Dream on, movie theatre) so I reached home around 12 plus, and slept around 1. Woke up at 7.30. And I'm still tired.

GOSH.

BUT I'm going to be resting to the end of this week. Which is great. Hopefully.

I do need a break.

Take for example how I've been reading celeb-gossip for the past half-hour or so. [One of the posts on the blog which actually featured Rihanna doing Madonna's 'Vogue' at the "Fashion Rocks" thing which was really quite cool so I started watching all the other Madonna 'Vogue' shows and I have to say the concept's really cool, but I'm like 20 years behind or something, I think. Anyway.]

Where was I?

Too tired to think.

You know it's really cool blogging like that. Cos everything that's written here just comes up from the top of my head. Except when bad grammar comes out. Then I do a bit of arranging.

Hm.

Imagine, this is how I actually think.

Cool, eh.

And my mind just went blank so I think that's the end of this post.

Schadenfreude!

That's my new philosophy!

"Schadenfreude!
People taking pleasure in your pain!"

And yes, that is a song.

From Avenue Q. The soundtrack of which I've been listening to for the past few days.

Well - not the whole soundtrack. Just a few songs here and there. And they are quite funny. And good to laugh about with friends :P

Anyway.

SCHADENFREUDE to those who do not end Prelims at 10.15 tomorrow! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

...

But, like I was telling G, everyone else gets to do it back cos WE Paper 5 Lit students end our A LEVEL PAPERS on the 21st of November.

GOSH.

Which means I have to go through 'always looking at the holistic understanding of the novel and relate to the bigger issues of the topic - i.e. identity - and regurgitate about marginalization-slash-alienation-slash-the-Other-slash-dull-or-colourless-slash-monotonous-routine-slash-self-actualization-slash-self-awareness-slash-sense.of.self.' for another 2 and a half months or so.

And people say my writing is convoluted.

SHEESH.

Yeah. So much for my bright idea to sleep early and wake up in the morning to study.

I go to bed at 9. All good, eh?

Wake up at 10, toss and turn until 11.30, and I can't take it, and I come out and do rubbish. [Of course I study as well, but that's far and few between]

So what now? I'm watching The Nanny on Hallmark now while blogging.

It is quite funny, actually. Especially Niles the butler.

Right.

So I'm off to try to tire my eyes as much as possible. So I can sleep so I can be all BRIGHT AND FRESH FOR THE MATH PAPER! :D

Sure.

History is really cool.

I just found that out when I was bugging my parents about my ancestors.

It's cool, cos I found out that most likely, I'm descended from scholars/officials [my dad's side] and from exiled-officials [mum's side]. Which means either way, I have royal blood. In a way.

And it's really cool cos apparently, my dad's dialect [of which I'm supposed to inherit, patriarchal system and all that] is actually a language that was invented by the officials in China to talk to the emperor, and to distinguish themselves from the commoners [elitist, much???] so I'm thinking maybe I really am descended from there. Since the lines drawn are SO parallel.

Yeah.

But I think that's where the magnetic attraction of History lies in. You can just trace back your roots, and you're just a part of so many people. I was trying to follow my mum's side of her family [I was at my maternal grandmother's house] and we were talking about surnames, and I was wondering why my maternal great-grandfather's surname was Loh, and my mother's surname is Wong, and she goes, 'I take my father's surname' and I just saw this immense picture of relatives and people all stretching out, then converging to form me.

It was really cool.

I think I'd go get my family tree done one day. It'd be so cool.

And I'm SO shagged out from work and stuff.

3-hour Lit paper today - no joke. I'm glad, with the length of my essays, though; about 3 and a half pages per essay. Which made me quite satisfied. The content is just. I don't know. Yeah.

So...

I'm going to sleep now, cos I'm that tired.

SCHADENFREUDE!

First, something really, really superficial:

I'M GETTING FAT.

I swear [not technically, but figuratively].

My lines are disappearing into disgusting folds of flesh. *pukes*

I have to get some exercise instead of that on my mind ;)

Yeah.

So I've been listening to the Wicked! soundtrack non-stop. Okay, not really non-stop, because I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH KRISTIN CHENOWETH!!!

Oh man, she is like the most awesome ever! She is so cool! And I just spent 2 - 3 hours last night just watching videos of her. Imagine that.

But honestly, she is such a versatile singer/actress/dancer. And she's really hot too, but that's besides the point. We're not superficial, are we? Of course not. *smiles widely*

And I guess studying has been improving much. Glad for that, obviously.

2 and a half more months to the END of the A's!...

Can't wait...

But Kristin Chenoweth is really amazing. Go to YouTube and check her voice out. Oh yeah! :D

"It's good to see me isn't it? No need to respond, that was rhetorical."

And that's my new philosophy!

Waveafterwave,onslaughtafteronslaught.
Oneafteranother,theychargedon.Relentless.
Nospacetobreathe;notimeforrest.
Pushing,pushing,pushinginanattempttodrown...

This year has been so trying.

I've been struggling to keep my head above the water, but it's failing. My muscles are cramping up, my limbs are exhausted, my breath is going shallow, and my mind - well, my mind is commanding wave after wave to overcome me.

Reason-Emotion;Rationalism-Empiricism;Mind-Body;DivineIntervention-PlaceboEffect;Relativism-Realism: This is what philsophy does with your mind - it screws it up.

I have never doubted my faith so much as I have now. And I am just so confused. Ontological arguments of the very existence of my being can swamp me and floor me until I am just questioning, wondering, doubting everything around me, asking God if He even exists, telling, pleading for Him to just give me a sign of His existence, all my previous logics and convincings flying out of the window as none of them bring me solace, hoping fearfully with all my being that there is a God, that everything I've done, everything I'm doing will garner some kind of reward, that none of it will go to waste, that this intent, this life that would be without morals if not for Him, would actually come to pass, would actually come to pass as the Bible said other things came to pass, to just stand there and believe even though all the odds are against me, to cling on although there's nothing to cling on to, no reason to, but I just cling on anyway, fiercely, exhaustively, irrationally, doubtingly holding on.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of everything.

Of this drama my life is playing out right before my eyes.

I'm exhausted of this struggle, this stupid struggle.

Perhaps if I were in a more believing state, I would say that this is God's putting me through the fire. Purifying the gold, making it transparent so that everything becomes apparent to me. Seeing my intentions, my motivations, what makes me tick, what makes me go on in life. Questioning if what I'm doing is right, what I have been doing is right. To see, after everything has burned down, after all the superficialities of things, everything humans judge to be sin, to be incorrect, to see if what remains, the residue that is left over is something He'd be pleased with.

But God - this Creator - has never felt so far before. When I'm actually searching, when I need Him the most. I dunno, I've always hated this kind of attitude towards people, because it's like making use of them. And I have been treating God like that, which is why I don't actually blame Him.

What is real?

No one knows. No one can tell.

Why do I still cling on then?

...

Because I do. I know I can just let go if I want to - but somehow, I know I won't.

I'm tired of my life, though. And sometimes I pray to God, just before I sleep, that I'll wake up in Heaven.

(And then that bloody philosopher in my head goes, 'What if there is no Heaven?')

It's selfish to ask for that, I know. But sometimes I'm just so fagged out by the end of the day, I just want to black out and wake up when the problems are gone.

Never happen, I know, but one can always wish, I guess.

I am drained, fatigued, spent. And I don't know what I'm going to do anymore.

What a stupid time to lose my self.

What a stupid world, as Calvin once said.

"LORD, I BELIEVE... HELP MY UNBELIEF!..."

If You really are there...