This week has been real good.

The break from school has really done me wonders.

I grin... a lot, now.

But that's another story.

You know who you are, though :)

Dance has been picking up like crazy, and practices are so intense now, my body is aching so badly. Even my neck is aching badly, so you can imagine how the practices are.

Meanwhile, I have started some on my work - which is good, and I'm glad. I've got to pick up the tempo, though. No time whatsoever to slack.

But my mood has been way up for reasons beyond anyone's thinking or consideration, as of now. Sure, there's been consequences, but I'd rather have this than not at all.

Thank You, Lord, for the people You've placed in my life. But still, help me not to forget to put You first in everything that I do.

Ah well. 3 more weeks to BT 2. And the holidays still stretch out in front of me.

I'm going to relish every single moment of it.

And with you.

"Once in a lifetime means there's no second chance..."

The last time I watched HSM 2 was a long, long time ago.

Before the New Year was ushered in.

Memories.

That night at the playground.

Heh.

It was really good. Nostalgic? In a fond way.

How much times have changed in a short span of months.

And with a breath of relief I walked out of school.

And the demons in my head just went away.

It was a real relief for me, today, as I walked out of school, to know that I wouldn't have to be in contact with anyone else [apart from CCA people] until after the holidays. My mind just calmed and the turmoil within just lessened, and I found enough willpower within me to ask the remaining clamour to shut up.

Then I apologized to God for my bad behaviour. And today - today, I really connected with God once again. It's been so long since I last had a proper quiet time. And peace just really flowed into my soul.

And I'm calm again. I'm fine. I know I can do this, I know that when I get through this month, I'll be alive again.

This is really, really needed - a retreat for my inner batteries to recharge. To not think about anything that would affect me in a negative way.

Just... God. Studies, definitely. But no structured learning, thank God for that.

You know, perhaps shutting the world out does have its benefits. You're just with yourself, and nothing can touch you without your permission.

Perhaps this is hardening my heart, but in a weird way, I'd rather have this for now.

But I'm cool now. I'll take things one step at a time. I won't break down - that I know. It's all under control in God's hands now.

World, kindly get the hell out of my life now. I'll deal with you when BT 2 swings around again.

My life is perfect.
Nothing is perfect.

Therefore, my life is nothing.

Seriously, people.

This may seem like a totally egocentric post, but I can assure you it is not.

My life may seem perfect. I may seem perfect, okay, but whatever it is, that's just the case. It seems - notice the italicized words? Implies emphasis and draws attention to what I want to be made known - seems perfect. It is by no means perfect, or anywhere near it. Just because it looks it does not mean it is.

I go through issues as well, okay? I have problems, I have insecurities as much as the next guy - more even, considering the fact that I think so much. I have troubles with God as much as anyone could ever - definitely much more than the ordinary person seeing as how I seem to have discovered so many revelations from God, but it's all just head knowledge as I don't seem to be able to apply it in my life. I hate, I'm bitter, I resent, I'm not always happy and fun and positive, so don't even think for a close second that I'm perfect, cos I'm not. NO-FREAKIN'-WAY.

Do I really need to spell out more problems? If so, then include my totally lousy grades in, my constant procrastinations, my failure to look even remotely decent, not forgetting how I always screw up friendships intentionally or not. I don't even have a best friend I can tell things to, most probably on account of the fact that I'm too clingy, to quote some people. That I'm too much. That I'm overbearing.

So screw envy/jealousy/whatever, because I don't need to have this kind of thing making my life worse than it already is, because I have no more spare energy to deal with that kind of attitude from anyone.

And by this line here [if you even bothered reading this far despite the apparent detest you must feel for me now], let me once again say that it is not an egocentric post, but don't let me judge what you think. Know why? I don't want to be overbearing.

That's my personality and I can't change it.

So if you have any problems with that, start ignoring me, or giving me the cold shoulder, or just don't speak to me at all. Give me half-hearted replies when I speak to you or msg you, or just don't bother at all.

Join the club. You won't be the first to have done so.

There's something wrong with me.

I'm stuck in a rut that I can't seem to get out of, try as I might.

It's stupid, cos it's all lousy selfishness and ecocentricity. Why, I can't even remember the last time I did something remotely unselfish.

It's all been about me, myself and I. Not even God figures in this universe.

I don't even know how long it's been. Procrastination that I've always self-deprecated about is one thing that's seriously hindering me here.

Just once, just once...

I need a break.

From everything.

From everyone.

From myself.

I need to get to a place where I'm not thinking about me. Or anyone associated with me.

I hate this place I'm in.

Solace.

I'm banging at the iron cells that hold me in. My hands are bruised and bleeding, but still I bang away. Despite the pain, despite the hurt, despite the circumstances, I try. And try. Because I don't want to stay here any longer. A prisoner caught in the web of his own desires and lusts. It's all the same. Fulfilment that's merely temporary. Something - something eternal. Something of more substance.

It's all he can do to reach in and take a glance at his soul. A wisp of smoke. The fall of what used to be a flame burning proud and strong. It's almost gone now, he can see. And he despairs. The slightest whiff and it's gone. All gone. Everything he'd worked for. All gone.

Then he sees a hand descend on the flame. And all he can think of is that it's going to be extinguished. The hand is going to fan it off. But it doesn't. Instead, it cups smouldering speck and a breath from above is gently blown on it. And - amazingly - the flame holds. Strenthens, even.

And he realizes that there is hope. Maybe.

Today was just off.

When the holidays started, I really, really thought I wouldn't be seeing anyone until BT 2 came around. And I was really, really happy with that idea.

Then comes the first day of the holidays where I have to go back to school.

Which isn't so bad, considering. It's not like I'm anti-world or anything. It's just that when I see people I'm trying to take a break from, it really pisses me off.

And I mean the kind that would just have you totally obliviating yourself from anyone, which is more or less what I did.

It's just so stupid. I require this time to get back on my feet, and just NOT meet anyone that would send my mind on a rampage and get totally turned off by every single little thing that said persons do. And this school has to make us come back.

And if that's not enough, my parents are able to show their perfect concern for me by darting their eyes to the TV whenever I'm talking to them about something serious LIKE having them meet my teachers to discuss some things. Which they apparently care for me enough to not want to go. Oh yes, not forgetting the parts where they jump to stupid conclusions and assume things about me that are so NOT true.

I am so close to something entirely vulgar spewing out of my mouth.

So yeah, I was like that the second half of the day. Not like anyone bothers or anything. And I'm freaking indulging in self-pity here which I absolutely hate when I start, so it'll be better for me to just go off.

Maybe I won't go to school tomorrow.

"Cos it's me against the world - and the world is winning."

The holidays are finally here.

Thank God.

This is really a much-needed break to recharge my batteries - the emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical aspects of my seriously drained body and mind.

This is good too. To break away from everything and everyone to just have some time alone with me, myself and God.

Of course I'll have to study, but I think studying's so much more effective if it's not institutionalized. That's a little ironic since study is a factor of institutions, but you catch my drift.

***

It sucks cos everytime a teacher says, "After BT 2, you only have 6 weeks to your Prelims. You do not have much time at all." and all I can think of is how Rapture is 3 weeks after BT 2, which leaves me 3 weeks to study for Prelims. Which really, really sucks. I know I asked for it, and I don't regret it, but allow me some ranting space here since I'm really, really tired.

***

Anyway. I've been focussing a lot more on things that are important and essential for my survival. Love, for one thing. When I see all my past posts on love, I get this sense of something that's so childish and selfish. The understanding I have of love is just so much wider - there was something I really, really missed out on. And now I know. And I'm glad. And I thank God for showing it to me.

Knowing is one thing. Practicing is... well, something else entirely.

But I'm glad. I'm glad for where I am now. And I praise God for it.

Cos the holidays have started. And to me, it seems like a field of opportunities, all ripe for the taking. Opportunities to do so many things.

And I am the labourer in that vineyard ready to harvest till the windows of heaven open.

"My first girlfriend became the Moon." "That's tough, my friend."

One last-ditch attempt to type out a coherent blog post.

Not that I've been trying.

But whatever.

I guess I've never really appreciated my class as they are. On Saturday, I found out how fantastic that bunch is. It was my fault - that I know, but the way they comforted me was just... too cool, really. And it's not like I've been spending lots of time with them or anything like that, so the way they treated me really made me thankful for them.

TO ALL 07A06-ERS - YOU GUYS ROCK!

And they're all really cool. And I mean all. Literally. They're too understated, anyway. For me, at least.

***

I think I'm a flirt. Not the good kind, but the bad kind. The really bad kind. The one that steals his best friend's girlfriend just because it'd be fun to. And I mean that seriously. The kind that'll talk to a friend's crush because he knows her and his friend doesn't. The kind that would chat up a friend's eye-candy so he can show his friend that he dares to talk to her.

The kind that everyone hates, basically.

The worst thing is, it's all unconscious. And that's what scares me. I don't realize until it's over and I've analyzed it. IF I've analyzed it.

Not that I've done that a whole lot - just the little things that show me that I am like that. And this is small-scale - imagine if I had more friends who were attached.

I think I'd be the most hated person on earth or something.

Ah, forget it.

I still have my Lit essay to finish.

And I'm not even half through.

It's going to be another long night...

"I was trying to enjoy my night but then you came here."

It's been a long time since I blogged in school.

Since there's really nothing better to do.

Cos my personal space totally got invaded by a pair of annoying caterwaulers "singing" and disturbing the peace.

Get a life, really. Oh yeah, and get some critics. And vocal training. Cos it's really getting annoying whenever you just play your handphone music out loud when no one really bothers or wants to hear. And that's not even getting to your voices.

I'm feeling quite pissed now, because of that. Also with myself, for feeling like that.

But they're really, really getting to me. And it annoys me.

You know, talking to you takes up a LOT of energy. So don't expect me to be nice to you all the time - it's only when I can. If not, seriously, don't come into my life. It's so much less complicated without you. And your... friend.

Glad that's out of the way.

I visited the page that showed up blank. Checking the window, I saw the word "Done". Perhaps it was my computer. Perhaps it's a manifestation of something. Perhaps it was intentional. I really hope it's the first.

Alright, something frivolous for today. Hopefully.

So I ended school today at 12 - wasted a little time 'til 1, since we can't leave school until 1. Which is a totally annoying rule which should be abolished.

Then I went to meet Colin for a swim - haven't been a pool in a majorly long time.

When we crashed the condo [his ex], we realized that they were fogging the place. So we waited until they were done, then we jumped in.

After splashing around for a little while, we realized that the fogging was coming back through the annoying ventilation systems, so we ended up slacking.

And I didn't get any swimming done at all today.

Hopefully, though, I got tanned.

And I realize I can't really be frivolous when I'm in this mood.

Cos typing that chunk out was quite boring me.

Imagine what it must be like for you, dear reader.

So I shall not attempt to be flitty and enthusiastic and optomistic since it is not very becoming of me especially when I'm not in that mood.

Today was... tiring. [This is partly due to me talking to my friend until 2 in the morning the night before - but that point is moot.]

Seemed like a little of my moodiness came back today.

I'm getting tired. Really tired. Don't think it's only you - it affects the people around you as well. Including me, alright?

I've really got to step up my game.

"Getcha head in the game, or the game will get to your head!"

So I did some evaluations of my feelings and emotions.

And I realized something.

All these blog posts about love and stuff - and I don't really have it.

I analyzed myself. And I realized, through it all, what I was concerned with was more with how I felt than how the other party felt.

Totally selfish of me, I know.

And what's worse is that it was all unconscious.

Only recently - recently! - have I realized that I actually felt like that. For the past year or so, I've been like that, I only knew it recently.

I'm sorry for that. I'm truly sorry for that. To you both. It might have looked like I was all self-sacrificial, but the truth is, I was only concerned with myself. I'm sorry.

God really showed that to me. And I guess, despite all that talk about love, I still don't really know what it is. I've never really felt that before.

I suppose I've never allowed myself to feel more love for someone else than for me. Even for God.

So it looks like I'm self-centred. BIG time.

AND I've got to work on that.

Thank You, Lord, for that grace that enabled my eyes to be open and really see what I've been missing out. And for the mercy to change.

I also realize that I haven't been walking with God all that strongly either. So many mistakes.

But time. That's one thing I know I have. In His time.

"QUICK! THINK OF SOMETHING WITTY TO SAY!" "HEY MATHEUS"

Thanks.

I guess it's been there all along. Just that I didn't reach out and touch it.

Thank You, Lord, for showing me.

It's so irritating that I keep forgetting things I shouldn't. Forgetting things that could've prevented all that whole fusillade of emotional rides that lead to no point. Forgetting things that He's taught me, time and time again.

Thank God He's so patient. That He'd teach me things again once I forget them.

Mercy... Grace... Love.

I'm glad for that inner peace now. It was always available. But somehow it gets lost when I dwell too much on things that are not good for my soul.

I promised myself that I wouldn't let my soul, my spirit get lost in that mad, materialistic rush for 4 As for the A Levels. It's just not worth it.

I'm just feeling so grateful to God now. I can't even express it, because it'll only look like I'm repeating the same words over and over again.

So I guess this post shall be short.

Shift.

"I don't want to reach that stage, Lord, where I get 4 As for the A Levels but I lose my soul and my spirit in the process. I mean, I know I can get those 4 As, but I don't want to have to do that. It isn't worth it. Help me, Lord."

So, Perdana. Looks like one way or another, we've both become hardened cynics.

Heh.

Let it be, then.

I know I'm hardening up at an exponentially increasing rate, but I'm helpless to do anything but watch me just envelop myself until I'm seemingly fine. Then I'll probably implode.

Speaking of math terms, I thought of an mathematical analogy of God's love [Don't read if you're currently feeling stressed about Maths. Seriously.]

Take the equation: z + 1 - i ≤ z - 1 + i, and represent it graphically. Also, take that Re(z) is the other person's love for you and Im(z) is your love for the other person.

The point where the two points are equal is like the point where you love others as much as they love you - kind of like the start of a friendship, where the other person reciprocates as much as you. When the love of God overcomes you, you move into the region of z + 1 - i < z - 1 + i; however, the conditions for that first point is z > 0, which is to say that your love will always be positive, even though the other person's love for you is negative. God, however, is able to put the condition where Im(z) > ∞, and thus you can only ever love with God's love, although Re(z) may hit the negative regions of ∞.

Another point: Im(z) is a representation of something imaginary; know why? Cos to the world, the kind of love in which we love with is impossible, is imaginary, cannot/does not exist in the real world, and only in the theoretical state of mind.

So that was my graphical representation of God's love. On paper.

And it's possible to perform it. I know this, because I have done it before. But my emotions are kinda preventing me from doing so. This lackadaisical atttitude that has seized me; no longer Carpe Diem, it calls for Que Sera, Sera. And it's not good. It's really not.

If you would just allow me...!

I feel apprehensive about the future. It seems dark, now I think of it. Yeah, I'm more or less in control of my material life [schoolwork, CCAs, everything else intellectual, mechanical, and unnecessary for the soul] like I never have been before, and that's good, and thank God for that. But my spiritual side cries out to God every night for help, for love, for wisdom, for more of that unconditional love that will be able to sustain me.

Unconditional love.

Agape.

I need more of that.

Really.

"C'mon! What're you doing??? Who told you to sit around on the premises waiting for the promises??? Do you think they'll just come like that? They won't! God wants you to expect something from Him and go for it! So expect. Something. From. God."

I was okay, and now I'm not.

Freakin' mood swings.

It's official.

This SUCKS.

"Seeing what You did for me, how can I but love as well?"

I wonder if you know... ...

I guess my mood's improving.

At the very least, I don't snap at my parents anymore. Not that much, I think. My sister's still a bit of a problem, though. Sometimes I wonder if she has any EQ, cos the times I'm obviously emanating a 'PLEASE don't talk to me or don't blame me if I bite' attitude, she still talks to me.

That just made me think of something.

But I'm glad for this calm that's here in the meantime. And I have a feeling my life's back on track.

I'm determined, this time round. Full steam ahead with regard to everything in my life. Studies, dance, God - everything. Except maybe for friends. Call me cyncial or whatever, but I'm just going to be totally relaxed on that now.

Or not. I don't know.

Apart from that sole ambiguous issue in my life, things are pretty much going smoothly. Thank God.

Cos I was just feeling so stressed the other day, and I couldn't - wouldn't - talk to anyone. I was blasting music into my ears and my mind was in a turmoil while I was lying on the couch in the SC trying to sleep, while my head was screaming vulgarities. It was really intense. At the same time, I was really praying for everything to stop. It was like a war-zone in my head.

And that's not the only time I've been stressed.

Been feeling a lot of pressure lately.

Thank God my dad is currently in Bible school now. His mood seems a whole lot better, and he's really nice now. He's just - different. More gentle, I would say.

Meanwhile, I harden up everything so nothing can touch me. Going through this whole deal again.

Ah, but really. I just leave it all into God's hands now.

Emotions are so not for me.

"The last time I really cried, it was in Sec 1. And that wasn't even for a person. It was in church, and I was crying just because. I don't think I'll ever cry for a person. I won't allow myself to."

Today was purely awesome!

Everything went well, and I was in top form! It was like nothing could stop me!

There were no insecurities, no feelings of low self-esteem, nothing at all - and that was just the start of it!

What's more, Mrs Tan didn't come, so we had no Lit lecture from 4 - 6! Really made my day, that news!!

On top of that, my flag blew out again while I was raising it - really majestic-looking, although it was going the wrong way. HAHA!

Then today's Friday - meaning I only had two periods - and ended at 12!

Seriously, everyone who saw me today could totally feel my happiness!

I mean, really, could my life get any better than this!

I'm doing quite well in almost everything that I've set out to do - and this day just really epitomizes it!

Today was just awesome. Really, really great. If everyday could be like that, I think I'd run out of joy fuel. HAHA!

I'm clearly in a high mood now - like high, high, high! Wheee!

Joyous!

Alright, I shall go off now. Haven't eaten my dinner yet. Heh.

Oh yeah, one last thing: Sarcasm is a great, effective tool to master for the pure purpose of manipulation in the English language.

"Stupidity breeds contempt."

Egad.

I just spent the whole day at home doing nothing productive whatsoever.

At least I don't have that irritating lethargy lusting after my flesh to lie down on my bed and stone until I fall asleep.

That's good, I guess. I'd be more focussed tomorrow then. That is, if I don't stay online till 1 in the morning or something stupid like that.

But I guess I do feel a whole lot better.

Been rejuvenated quite some, and I don't mean just in the physical sense. I'm speaking mental, emotional, spiritual as well.

Was feeling really tired, drained and exhausted.

Glad that's over.

I find I work better when I have competition to stimulate me. I don't think that's very good, though. It's like I can't be self-sufficient and motivate myself to study.

Ah well. Time to move on and change some habits then.

H'm. Guess I'm equivocating a lot today. Without me even noticing until I've typed it out.

Least I'm in a clearer state of mind then most days.

Thank God for the little reprieves along the way. Without them, I think I'd die.

Looks like I really have nothing to blog about.

Time to finish up that essay on Language then. Was due last week, and I started last week, but haven't gotten to finishing it up yet. Though I've got the points.

Just shows more of my procrastination "abilities".

"Would it be very selfish of me if I told God I wanted to go home to Him sooner than he wanted me to?"