Waveafterwave,onslaughtafteronslaught.
Oneafteranother,theychargedon.Relentless.
Nospacetobreathe;notimeforrest.
Pushing,pushing,pushinginanattempttodrown...

This year has been so trying.

I've been struggling to keep my head above the water, but it's failing. My muscles are cramping up, my limbs are exhausted, my breath is going shallow, and my mind - well, my mind is commanding wave after wave to overcome me.

Reason-Emotion;Rationalism-Empiricism;Mind-Body;DivineIntervention-PlaceboEffect;Relativism-Realism: This is what philsophy does with your mind - it screws it up.

I have never doubted my faith so much as I have now. And I am just so confused. Ontological arguments of the very existence of my being can swamp me and floor me until I am just questioning, wondering, doubting everything around me, asking God if He even exists, telling, pleading for Him to just give me a sign of His existence, all my previous logics and convincings flying out of the window as none of them bring me solace, hoping fearfully with all my being that there is a God, that everything I've done, everything I'm doing will garner some kind of reward, that none of it will go to waste, that this intent, this life that would be without morals if not for Him, would actually come to pass, would actually come to pass as the Bible said other things came to pass, to just stand there and believe even though all the odds are against me, to cling on although there's nothing to cling on to, no reason to, but I just cling on anyway, fiercely, exhaustively, irrationally, doubtingly holding on.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of everything.

Of this drama my life is playing out right before my eyes.

I'm exhausted of this struggle, this stupid struggle.

Perhaps if I were in a more believing state, I would say that this is God's putting me through the fire. Purifying the gold, making it transparent so that everything becomes apparent to me. Seeing my intentions, my motivations, what makes me tick, what makes me go on in life. Questioning if what I'm doing is right, what I have been doing is right. To see, after everything has burned down, after all the superficialities of things, everything humans judge to be sin, to be incorrect, to see if what remains, the residue that is left over is something He'd be pleased with.

But God - this Creator - has never felt so far before. When I'm actually searching, when I need Him the most. I dunno, I've always hated this kind of attitude towards people, because it's like making use of them. And I have been treating God like that, which is why I don't actually blame Him.

What is real?

No one knows. No one can tell.

Why do I still cling on then?

...

Because I do. I know I can just let go if I want to - but somehow, I know I won't.

I'm tired of my life, though. And sometimes I pray to God, just before I sleep, that I'll wake up in Heaven.

(And then that bloody philosopher in my head goes, 'What if there is no Heaven?')

It's selfish to ask for that, I know. But sometimes I'm just so fagged out by the end of the day, I just want to black out and wake up when the problems are gone.

Never happen, I know, but one can always wish, I guess.

I am drained, fatigued, spent. And I don't know what I'm going to do anymore.

What a stupid time to lose my self.

What a stupid world, as Calvin once said.

"LORD, I BELIEVE... HELP MY UNBELIEF!..."

If You really are there...