It looks like I have to take the solo road once more. All by myself. I've taken it before, and it's largely becoming a part of my life. Not that I mind. In fact, the singularity of my person alone does provide some kind of comfort and solace. And I'm getting used to it. Liking it, in fact. Perhaps I really will live a life alone, but not lonely.

So it's about two more days to BT 2s. Or rather, one more day, excluding this night. How fast time seems to pass. A month. Of which so much has happened.

It seems like my focus is really all off again, and I have to really fix it back. This holiday has been good in giving me a break. But now, it's back to school, back to life, back to the exams.

5 more months, then I won't look back, if I study hard. Just 5 more months. I can and I will do it.

Reflection brings about revelations about life. Perhaps no human will ever be constant in life, just so God can show He's the only constant. But then, people get married. Which is why I'm thinking that maybe marriage isn't for me.

This separation would be good... It's already awoken me to the wilderness I'm in. The depth of dryness and the need for rain. Spiritual rain. I need this. But I'll miss you... Even now.

A very wise woman once said this, "Oh Lord, I don't love You, I don't even want to love You, but I want to want to love You!"

That's something I once said while doing my Quiet Time. Cos really, I think that loving God is really a hard thing to achieve, to do. Of course, in church, we always sing of how God's love is the greatest and about sacrificing what we have for Him... But when it comes down to tribulations and trials, and the point of which we have to prove to ourselves whether we really do love Him, we find that we merely pay lip-service. And furthermore, as though that were not enough, I don't desire to love God. But I know that I want to desire to love Him. And if I have that desire, and that desire is strong enough, then I'd do anything withing my power to love Him.

But now, there's just been so much focus on what I want, and nothing about God. I've forgotten to live everyday of my life for Him. Even in studying, I cannot remember that I'm studying to His glory, for His glory.

And I've found out that retreating too much into yourself brings this. A mindset that totally circulates on what I want and what I need, and placing that first and above anything, even what God wants for me. And that's self-centredness, my life being first and foremost before anything else.

Perhaps after the dust has settled, and everything has become clear once more, we'll find out that all our lives was a quest to seek God - whether we knew it or not.