Sometimes, I wish I had no emotions.

That would mean a LOT less trouble, wouldn't it?

I feel so conflicted now. Two things pulling me in two different directions. And my heart tells me one way but my mind tells me the other. And my body does not know which to follow. Or rather, wants to follow my heart but holds back because of my mind.

Oh, I am fagged emotionally because of life.

***

I find that I'm becoming more and more selfish. I find that I follow God now only when it's in line with what I want to do. When what I want to do clashes with what would please God, I pick what I want to do. It's a constant struggle, the battefield in my mind, and I don't even stop to consider the casualties that might result in it. I just 'do it first and regret later'. And as it goes along, there might be changes to my character that are not for the better.

***

I've learnt to not expect anything from anyone. To not take anything for granted. At all. I don't ever want to be in a relationship with someone where I take things for granted from the person and start expecting, because to me, if you don't expect, you just don't get disappointed. A lifetime [so far] of experiences has taught me that. Don't expect, and you don't get disappointed. If things do turn out well, then you'd get a bigger treat cos you didn't expect anything anyway.

I know this is a very cynical view of life now. But I guess it's just a defense-mechanism. To protect myself from emotions that threaten to sway me about and thrust me into another vortex of confusion, hurt, and self-pity. And I made a decision long ago to not let anyone have that kind of power over me.

I see I'm hardening up. Intellectually, emotionally. In so many ways. The accumulation of experiences for the past 17 [and a half] years of my life have led me to this. Perhaps I don't have to think like that. Perhaps there is another way around this. But as of now, this is the wall I've built around me, my mind, my heart.

Now, I don't dare to feel for people more than they feel for me. Cos I find that the different expectations of people in a relationship can lead to very horrible conflicts and hurt which is really not necessary. And with the A Levels coming up, emotions should not come into play at all. Studies first. Thank our current education system for nurturing us to think like that.

I need a break from emotions.

And, most probably, a longer one from school.

"I don't learn. I study."