I'm kind of at peace with myself now.

With myself, with God... Wow, God. I don't think He's been mentioned here in quite some time.

It was as though God was really speaking to me yesterday. This part especially, from the book, "Reaching for the Invisible God", by Philip Yancey, just jumped out at me:

"I fought to gain control of my emotions so that they became my servants, not my master... ... The problems showed up years later when I began to realize the limits to a self-constructed personality. In most ways important to God, I had failed miserably. I was selfish, joyless, loveless, and lacked compassion. With the notable exception of self-control, I lacked all nine of the fruits of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5."

When I read that, I just broke down. It seemed that everything that I've ever been through culminated at this stage where, when it was tested, just flunked so badly, and I was back to square 1. Of finding God again. Even of trusting Him again.

Before that, I was quite in a state of self-imposed delirium. I went through the day being happy because I consciously blocked out everything that was not. But it was a cynical happiness, a cold, detached kind of joy which is either the poorest form of joy, or the direct converse to it.

I think I understand Mika's songs a lot more now. Some of them sound so happy, with everyone singing and the tune so upbeat - but take a look at the lyrics and the irony shows itself. I was in that kind of mood yesterday. Especially Grace Kelly. Now I know why it was such a big hit when it first came out. People identified.

[I wanna talk to you
The last time we talked, Mr Smith, you reduced me to tears
I promise you that won't happen again]

Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?

I gotta be wholesome
I could be loathsome
Guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?

I tried to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I tried a little Freddie
I've gone identity-mad! (Take THAT, H2 Lit Paper 5)

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

[Getting angry doesn't solve anything.]

How can I help ya
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on my brink

Why don't you like me
Why don't you like me
Why don't you like yourself?
Should I bend over?
Should I look older just to be put on your shelf?

Say what you want to satisfy yourself
Hey!
But you only want what everybody else says you should want you want

[Humphrey, we're leaving.]

Kaching!

So. Cynical. And even as I see those lyrics, I can feel that same sense of sardonism creeping back over me.

But I won't allow it to.

Somehow I'm stronger, and somehow I think I've grown to some extent. I can feel the strength of God around me, and I know I can do this.

Stepping down, Rapture, Prelims, A's.

Just bring it.

"And rain will make the flowers grow."