Why is life so complicated?

Why can't things just be simpler?

Why can't people just be truthful and face one another?

Why can't people not hide anything?

Why can't people not be so double-minded?

Why can't people consider more before they do things?

I think one sentence can sum up all these.

Why can't life be perfect?

I don't need an alibi or for you to realize
The things we left unsaid
Are only taking space up in our head
Make it my fault, win the game
Point the finger, place the blame
It does me up and down
It doesn't matter now

'Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again
This is not about emotion
I don't need a reason not to care what you say
Or what happened in the end
This is my interpretation
And it don't, don't make sense

I think Khiu would get what this means. Sad as it may be.

I feel like that. I actually really want to feel like that. To just drop everything and just join in. All my years of practice in Secondary school would surely help here. Where every look, body movement, every word is delivered to sting and make it hurt so bad while you're safe in your security you've got one over the other especially when you see the other person's reactions to what your very calculated body language intended for. I really, really wanted to do that today. I think I almost did.

BUT. I can't. I just can't. I know that it would displease God, and everytime I think about it, Bible passages about love would swarm my head. I know I'm totally making myself out to be a saint here, but I'm not. I feel disgusted, I feel sick, I feel like this is going nowhere. I try, but there's nothing.

I thought it was all over. Apparently it isn't. Something new? Or something remnant? I really don't know. And this is just one thing I don't need right now, given the MSA that I have coming up in less than 24 hours.

You are faithful
You are faithful
You are faithful
Your joy is my strength

First it was there, then it wasn't, and now I don't know.

I HONESTLY don't know.

I know I shouldn't be thinking about these sorts of things now... It's TOTALLY the wrong time. Not to mention that I'll be taking my first MSA in less than 24 hours... Why'd that message have to come!!!

And I don't know. There was almost a revealing of sorts, I think. Perhaps it was felt. I think it might be reciprocated although I'm honestly, HONESTLY not sure. Perhaps it's me thinking too much again, but I somehow thought something'd changed since the last. And maybe it did.

Maybe I'm confused or something. Maybe it's the stress of exams. Maybe it's the fear of losing what I thought I'd had, but found out I'd never had at all. Maybe it's that realization that's suddenly causing me to cling on so tightly. Okay, not that tightly, but it's enought to get me to start thinking.

I did think of the whole thing, and yes. It was all there. But now... Now I'm really not sure.

This is total unexplored territory. I've heard people talk about it, even tried comforting them over it. Now it's happening to me, I'm not sure.

Maybe this is all temporary. Maybe the feeling'll pass tomorrow. But for now, it's real.

That waiting feeling. That can only be filled with the sound of vibration.

Maybe she's contemplating too...

I have this weird sensation that it's the start of the week. Like, Monday or something.

BUT IT'S NOT!!!! IT'S THURSDAY TOMORROW. WHICH IS ONE OF THE SLACKEST DAYS IN THE WEEK. AND THERE'S A COUNCIL MEETING!!! OH YEAH!!!

And I think I'm falling in love with a new song. Heh.

I'm glad I'm no longer being really emo. It's been so emotional (I sound SO drama here) but thank God for His grace. Really.

Countdown... 6 minutes to Thursday!!! Okay. I'm just really bored here.

I don't even know why I'm on the com. I've finished all my work here.

Anyway.

ZhiYang and I saw this REALLY hot girl while we were walking to the MRT from Suntec. And he made some reference to someone in green and I DIDN'T GET TO SEE HER FACE BECAUSE HER HAIR WAS DOWN!!!!

I was so disappointed. That idiot was saying her face was really hot as well.. GOSH. BUT. Her hair made her look like Jennifer Aniston.

And we spent about 20 minutes melting over her in the MRT.

Okay that was weird.

And I'm totally bullying Milo-girl on MSN now. Never mind. I don't think I'm making sense here. So I shall be off.

"Tellmetellmetellmetellmetellmetellme!!!"

"NO."

Many many many many things have happened since I last blogged.

One of which was Orientation!!!

SIERSHA! YEAH! (Fine, I know I'm really slow since Orientation was like a week or so ago. But still, right.)

I think our cheer was really cool. Haha, I still can remember it! Duh, we came up with it together...

Anyway.

I've been really, really drowsy this week. The high from Orientation then the back-to-school feeling is disgusting. Like being high on drugs then the slums after. Just feeling really wasted.

But it's all good. Just have to get back into gear. Then everything will follow.

I've determined not to be so slack this year. I've determined that I'm going to do some of my hardest work in JC. I've determined that I'll do my best work for my A Levels since they're probably going to be the hardest academic hurdle I'll have to leap across. Or rather, fly across. With flying rainbows. Um.

Looking back, it all makes sense now. A lot of sense. Thank God He has an amount of that that will last for about another eternity or so. And the lessons learnt I hope I won't forget. Hopefully. But for now, there's just peace.

Anyway I hope my OG has been properly orientated into SA. That's the most important part of being an OGL, I think. After all the fun has died down and all the laughter has gone (think Tiffany's 'busty-ness', Natalie's 'voluptousness' and Pearlyn's kindgergarten vomit), I wish those 'kids' (as ZhiYang calls them!) will feel comfortable in SA and soon come to love SA as I do.

And GOSH, I don't know what to do after Cross-Country... My OG's going out, my class might be going out, and my Council friends are asking me out. Of course my heart is leaning towards my Council mates, but... ... Dunno.

Anyway, I think 2008 has brought out some reflection about re-ordering certain things in my life. Priorities and such. God's been showing me, I now realize.

From my blog, I see I've been so obssessed with myself that I've neglected the people around me. I'm so focussed on what I feel, how I feel and such, that I've forgotten that there are hurting people around me. That I've even forsaken God for myself. Which is one of the most selfish things I've ever done.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God
And His righteousness
And all these things shall be added unto you
Hallelu - Hallelujah

I've really forgotten about this. And I don't want to any longer. TO RETURN TO HIM!

I needed to return unto the altar of my God
To renew again my covenant with Him

And there I built an altar to His Name
And realized my life would never be the same
And then the fires of revival will come sweeping through my soul
And I touched the holy presence of my God

Come build and altar unto the Lord
Return to worship and hear His word
And then the fires of revival will come sweeping through my soul
And I'll touch the holy presence of my God

It'll take effort, but I SO want to draw closer to Him even more than ever before now. After all I've been through, it's always been Him.

I will dance, I will sing
To be mad for my King
Nothing, Lord, is hindering this passion in my soul

And I'll become even more undignified than this
Some may say it's foolishness but
I'll become even more undignified than this
Leave my pride by my side

OH YEAH!

And so with a breath 2008 is here. I still have not fully registered it yet.

(I'm actually thinking of a long philosophical debate on how the calendar is created by man and that one day to the next doesn't really make a difference unless you put a number to it, in which case it seems a huge deal but I'm not really in a thinking mood right now.)

I have to say this was my best New-Year's-Eve-to-New-Year's-Day I've ever had in my life. Spending it with people from Council, in that playground while the wind blew and the night gave a serene, halcyon atmoshpere and I just felt like everyone was so tight. And everyone was just so comfortable with one another, and it just felt so good.

"Familiarity breeds contempt"? Even after seeing each other non-stop from the time school closed through Open House and Grad Night then Orientation, we still chose to spend time with each other to bring in the New Year. That was really, really awesome.

Although I'm a bit tentative; the cynical part of me says that when the school term re-opens, and there are no more Council activities to keep us together, we'll grow apart. And Ryan did NOT help at all with his stupid 'inevitability' talk. But I really, really, really do not want it to be like that. There's still Frienship Week and Orientation isn't exactly over, but I really do hope that we will be able to be as close. I dunno.

Friendships. Was a big part of my life, is still a big part of my life. I can't escape it. But I just pray that my friendships will all be kept holy and sanctified by God, and that NO friendship will ever replace what I have with God.

There're a lot of unspoken emotions I have that I can't really put into words, and I think I'd feel embarrassed confessing it all out anyway even if I could. It's just this thing about the new year, and how we only have a year left with each other. 525, 600 minutes, as the song says. Then after that we go our separate ways.

Friends come and go. Which is not to say that I don't treasure them. I do, very much.

But God. He will always stay.