So I guess I'm not the only crazy one.

GOD, that's a relief.

So many things on my mind.. Along with the erratic mood swings.

It's so hard to be still and just praise God through all these sometimes, but I dunno, the feeling of praising God while you're at your lowest moments can be so painful, but at the same time so glorying, because that's when the presence of God is the strongest, and it just graces you so much so that you're just so overwhelmed by it. And at the same time you're really thankful that God is there, just really, really, REALLY thankful cos you know that if He weren't, you would've been lost long ago.

And it's been great. I feel like I'm being put through spiritual boot camp all over again. Sort of like reservist, to remind me of the things I'd previously learnt and forgotten due to prides of success and such. It's been really humbling, cos I do know I have a lot of pride in my life, and God's just been taking it out one by one, piece by piece, shard by broken shard. And it's been painful. Really painful, as a matter of fact.

There've actually been times with friends where I suddenly become very depressed. And yeah, there have been self-esteem issues and insecurities resurfacing from my secondary school days. All those I thought were dealt with, all come swarming back at the most inconvenient moment, when I'm already at my lowest point.

But one thing I've learnt is that God doesn't really care for your conveniences, or how comfortable you feel before he takes you through the next valley. He just works according to His time, which is always perfect, so I'm no one to argue. And I have to say, after the whole thing is over, there's always this glorious feeling of having come out stronger and being much better in God. Although there is this constant struggle with pride.

And I just started reading another John Bevere book which is really good. It's about eternity and how many people work to achieve temporal things that will eventually be pointless on the Judgement Day. And reading that, I got really humbled when I got to the part about this girl (he includes some fiction in it too) gaining much glory because her time spent on Endel (his version of Earth) was very unnoticed and uncared for by people, but she actually impacted lives greatly. And she got to sit at the left of Jesus' hand. And all I can think of is, I don't think I can ever achieve that kind of holiness. I would just be so glad to see Jesus in all His glory knowing that He brought be through Earth and all its snares, and that I'd finally be safe with Him. How glorious!

Speaking of which, I had a dream that Jesus was coming back. AND I WAS SO EXCITED!!! It was all, "Jesus is coming back!" And it was all really really exciting.

Yeah and that was quite random.

And in a way I'm glad for all these attacks coming back. Cos I'm a lot closer to God now, having to depend on Him that heavily. All I can hope is that some day I'd be able to depend on Him ENTIRELY and that I would not attempt to do things with my own strength, but to just totally trust in Him, close my eyes and just let myself fall, knowing that He will ultimately catch me at the bottom.